XOXO

a short visit

2011-04-07T01:01:00.002+08:00

just a little blast to the past.
peace out.

- XOXO

and so, goodbye

2010-06-13T19:35:00.005+08:00

My life once began, because you came into my life. But now that you've left, there is no more reason to be here. The words I say, and my actions will never bring you back to me. And so, I bid you all farewell. This is the end.

I'll never forget our story. And I'll never forget you.

Just so you know, I have always loved you, still do, and always will.

+ + +

One day, there was a boy who had no control over his mouth, his hands and his legs.

He lived in an orphanage for his parents did not want a doomed child; everybody called him a doomed child.

He could not move and he could not talk. He spent his life looking outside his window; the town and the world.

He ate watery porridge everyday for almost sixteen years; the orphanage was too poor to give him anything more than watery porridge.

+ + +

On his sixteenth birthday, he received no present.

He sat alone in his wheelchair and cried.

Unexpectedly, a young girl came to the orphanage while he was crying.

She said she want to visit him.

Nobody ever visited him as long as he could remember.

The girl knocked the door and stepped into his room. She walked slowly into the boy in the wheelchair and gave him cinnamon bread.

“I saw you looking at the window almost every day. You always looked very hungry. Today I have extra money from my parents so I buy for you this small bread.”

He wanted to say thank you and told her how happy he was but nothing came out from his mouth.

+ + +

The girl was wonderfully beautiful. Her hair was the color of honey. Her eyes were the color of deep blue ocean. Her skin was the color of pale brown maple leaf in late autumn.

For him, she was an angel.

+ + +

Since that day, he tried to find the girl in the crowded street outside the window.

Until one day he found out that she was working in a flower shop right in front of the orphanage.

+ + +

He would spend all his day looking at her and prayed.

He prayed he could be able to talk to her and tell her that she was angel in his life.

Finally, on one of the summer night, when he was praying with all his heart, there was a shooting star right above the town.

His wish was granted. He could talk, he could sing, he could walk, he could jump, he could hold the handle of the door and open it.

He ran down the stairs of the orphanage. He wanted to meet the girl.

+ + +

After he told the girl that he was no longer doomed. The girl asked him to work with her in the flower shop.

They worked together in the flower shop every day.

They started to fall in love with each other.

+ + +

However, life is like eating in a big dinner table that full with different food; there is delicious food and there is horrible food, the one that you wish you could never taste. There will never be extra food given so once you eat finish the delicious food you need to eat the horrible one- the bitter and poisonous one.

+ + +

He was going to tell the girl how much he loves her. He had bought two balloons and a bouquet of rose. He had made a lovely poem.

But his delicious food was over.

In the morning the control over his mouth, legs and hands were no longer his.

He could not get up from his bed.

+ + +

The girl was worried. In the evening she came to see the boy in the orphanage. She bought the same cinnamon bread that she had given him the first time she met him.

She knocked his door and walked to his bed.

“Are you okay? I bought cinnamon bread for you. I hope you get better soon. “

The reaction of the boy was unexpected. He slapped the bread out of her hand and shouted at her. He asked her to get out from his room.

She cried.

She ran out of the room.

+ + +

It was his hand’s fault, it is not his fault. It was his mouth’s fault, it is not his fault. He had no control over his mouth and his hands. No one could ever understand because normal human see their hands, mouth and heart as one. No one could ever understand him simply because he was different.

+ + +

The girl was still coming to work in the flower shop but happiness was no longer her friend.

There was only one thing she was looking for in this world. She wanted to see the boy. She wanted him to apologize for what he had done. She wanted him to be the ‘real’ him- the boy who loved her.

+ + +

She waited; she waited for him to tell her how much he loves her.

But it never happened for reason known.

+ + +

He would do anything to show her how much he loves her.

He wanted to get up and run to her and hug her but he could not; his legs were not his.

He wanted to scream ‘I love you’ but he could not; his mouth was not his.

He wanted to write a love letter for her but he could not; his hands were not his.

+ + +

One day the girl was tired of waiting. She walked away and never returned ever again.

+ + +

The boy wanted to scream his pain out but he had no control over his mouth.

The boy wanted to take a knife and stop his pain but he had no control over his hands.

The boy wanted to jump down from his room and stop his agony but he had no control over his legs.

He wanted to do something but nothing he could do.

+ + +

When he was in pain and terrible heartache, his hands started to clap and his legs started to make a jumping motion and his smile started to form a blissful smile.

He looked as if he was jumping in joy.

+ + +

One of the orphans saw this and called all the orphans in the orphanage.

“He is right! There is a time to be happy. Let’s jump and smile together!”

So there was a party in the orphanage, the only party in the history of the orphanage.

By: Wammy Bammy

everyone needs a lieless love, but what i got is a loveless lie

2010-06-11T14:39:00.004+08:00

If I ever have/adopt a kid:

1. I promise that I'll never talk to him/her as if he/she is of a lower status than me, because I believe that they have equal rights as me.

2. I promise that I'll share anything he/she wants to know without the fear of being judged, because he/she has the right to know.

3. I promise that I'll read to him/her my favourite books (even if they are a thousand pages long) and anything that he/she wants me to read to him/her, because I know that deep inside, he/she understands.

4. I promise that I'll let him/her listen to all from favourite songs instead of classical music (unless they like it), because I know these songs will mean more in time to come.

5. I promise that I'll allow him/her dye his/her hair, get piercings or any other body art, or become an eccentric rocket scientist or overly emotional poet, or any other crazy insane job, because he/she deserves to taste freedom as a living being.

6. I promise that I'll talk to him/her whenever he/she needs me and not pry into his/her personal matters, because I know that if he/she really trusts me, he/she will let me know what's wrong.

7. I promise that I'll support them in whatever courses or programmes or interests that he/she wishes to pursue, because that is the only way to make them happy.

8. I promise that I'll bring him/her to the park, and buy him/her a skateboard or a bike if he/she wants and spend all the time I can with him/her, because he/she is one of the most important things in my life.

9. I promise that I'll discuss with him/her about any issues that needs to be resolved, instead of instructing him/her what is right and wrong, because I believe that he/she has a right to his/her own opinion.

10. I promise that I'll love him/her with all my heart, because I can.

i still hope that after all this while, i can still make you happy

2010-06-09T23:16:00.002+08:00

rough week.
lost something precious.
fell off a bike.
and argued with a good-for-nothing.

no time to study.
hardly any to sleep.
rushing in and out.
and before i know, lights are out.

my restless mind wanders between realms.
i wake up in cold sweat.
tossing and turning.
but worse of all, i can't remember my dreams.

despite myself, and everything.
i'm slowly learning to love life.
there's always place to agree to disagree.
and freedom in some form.

now, i'm safe in the arms of love.
and i know, tonight, someone is thinking of me before he sleeps.

- XOXO

grayscale

2010-05-31T18:31:00.004+08:00

i know you probably won't read this.
but i guess, you might one day.

today, i sat down with my thoughts.
asking them, what you meant when you said.
that there's no point anymore.

just a secret.
every 11:11, i wish for you.
not for you to return to me though.
but for you, to be happy.

my wandering heart could never find the answers.
for it is reckless, careless and homesick.
people always want reasons, that's what you told me.
and it so happens, that sometimes, things just happen.
'reasons' just make it less painful to accept the truth.

we can never return.
to that time, to that place.
i finally know what Steve Toltz meant.
when he said "I love you with all my brains".
because a brain doesn't have to feel or care.
it just does what it can.

even if we resumed the path we used to.
things won't change.
your passion for loving me, has run out on us both.
and i know how hard it is to love someone.
the fact that you're leaving won't vanish into thin air.
a simple truth about the love you brought to me.
it filled me with such hope, i knew i could conquer anything.

and as you stick the label onto me, 'best friend'.
i don't know if i should cry or smile.
tears for the acceptance, of the end of the road.
joy for the renewal of our journey together.
though not hand in hand, and heart to heart.
but i guess i should be happy with what i have.
all along, i was afraid of changing.
because i've built my life around you.

with or without you, i will continue down this road.
every fall, though it might hurt, though i may cry.
won't stop me from living the life i want.
the gentleness in my voice is not one of resignation.
but one of acceptance, and humbleness.
if anyone ever taught me what love's about.
it's gotta be you.

though we may never be lovers again.
know that at least, we once stood side by side.
fighting a battle against the world.
and though we might have lost.
it's good to know that, we died together.
for a greater love, my dear comrade.

i admit, that i'm still not fully at ease.
my eyes are still sore from crying.
and my limbs are scarred with marks of insanity.
but i won't give up.
i won't give up.

the end of the world is not so far away from here.
but till then, i'll keep on dreaming.
of a certain place, and a certain time.
which i will hold in my heart forever.

one day, i'll be swimming with dolphins.
in an ocean so blue.
such that i'll no longer feel the pain of this world.

a heart that ever truly loved.
will never forget.

when i wrote that letter in a language i did not understand, i meant every word of it.

note: i'd like to make a special shoutout to my cyborg buddy.
thanks for making me feel that being a cyborg's pretty okay.

- XOXO

thought i'd let you know

2010-05-13T19:20:00.007+08:00

to you:

Back of a white van,
two giggling kids, soaked in sweat and water,
Shivering cold against the midnight breeze,
and locked doors never looked so pleasing.

Her favorite tee, and a smile plastered
on his lips.
Under the wreath of golden,
beautiful February.

Went across waters, joyriding on a bus
for eight hours.
Ray Bradbury before lights out,
and a midnight snack of chips and instant mee.

There was always time to write poems and
share stories about
life.
No matter how hard it got.

Decembers were never easy
to begin with.
Passion died out and so did he.
She cried alone inside.

All she ever does now
is to look at old photographs
and wear his old shirts
that liken her to concentrated sucrose solution.

While he, spends his days wasted
in lost youth.
Among Mathematics books
and awkward silences over the phone.

End.

But still, somewhere out there,
I still believe
that there's a love that could fall down
like rain.

- XOXO

love song of a bullfrog

2010-05-11T22:31:00.002+08:00

"Love bears all things,
believes all things,
hopes all things,
endures all things."

- XOXO

a fire inside

2010-04-27T12:57:00.005+08:00

Tell me what you've done to yourself.
I would like to know.
Write it on the rocks and then.
Tell me where to go.
Why you say wait.
Wait.

dear stranger.
today i watched you in the mirror.
you were smiling, but didn't catch my eyes.
it's scary how much we resemble each other.

requiem for a dream.
thoughts of you haunt my sleep.
a futile attempt on my part.
to live as if you do not exist.

this double life i lead.
my fragmented identity.
perhaps, i'm just little pieces of people.
who are not me.

they do not understand me.
see me as a bizarre work of art.
eccentric to the very last cell.
and yes, i do not care.

and though, you must have someone to love.
in the days to come, i've grown to prefer solitude.
wrapped in my loneliness, and the fact that deviant is no wrong.
lying in my grave until someone will come save me from myself.

while the world around me, chaos reigns.
odd as odd can be, i feel at peace.
caustic words will no longer burn my skin.
for i will keep walking down this road that leads me.

so dear stranger.
please forget to remind me that through all this.
i cannot help, but be me.

- XOXO

belle of the boulevard

2010-04-01T21:23:00.003+08:00

i'm questioning my sanity.
again and again.
routine body check.
just to make sure the bullet wounds are intact.

wash away this stain of my youth.
no, a small wave won't do it.
bring on a flood and let these memories dissolve.
depressed by the truth.

is this how we go on?
dragging our feet, day in, day out.
why won't this nagging feeling disappear?
live to die, i sigh.

blank verses are my only companion.
but what alliance can be formed between something void?
and the other, so empty on the inside?
forgive me if i sing as do a harp.

what's the point in hating this life?
love or loathe, it goes on.
never stopping or slowing down.
it doesn't care for anyone.

hardly anyone cares how you feel.
and to settle for second best has been a pathetic excuse for me.
forced affection never did shine.
so now, i will dim its light.

but apathetic as i may be, i still cannot help but feel a sense of grief.
for others on this lonely planet, who have so much to give.
persecuted for their differences, and still hanging on since forever.
i don't know how they pull through, but they still do.

to a girl, whose smile reminds me of the a certain season.
her jokes aren't easy to comprehend.
but when you finally do, you'll never forget.
the first time i noticed, she was standing in the rain.

tonight, my heart goes out to you.

- XOXO

waiting on her world to change

2010-03-18T19:51:00.004+08:00

I wonder if you would care to ask me what's wrong. But I should stop wondering, because I'm nothing to you.

running from the autumn in your eyes

2010-03-09T19:54:00.007+08:00

she screams in silence.
for a love long lost.
lyrical lies of a lifetime.
he'll never know.

words weaving in and out.
electric violin heartstrings.
tug them hard, and pull on them.
a broken record plays on.

everyday, i hope it will end.
whether on a bitter or gentle note.
but this pain, it's slowly becoming a part of me.

deranged and distraught.
sitting by the sea, strumming his dreams.
this city will never be his home.
his home is where his heart is.

lonely, she is.
sitting alone in the living room, with the lights on.
and those lights, they aren't for her.
but to lead him home to her.

all she needed was the certainty of his love.
hasn't she said it enough?
all she needed was the certainty of his love.
is it something worth waiting for?

my heart goes out to all the girls who never stopped loving.
it's not that easy.
but then again, since when was love ever easy?

simple thing Edward had to do.
Florence needed not to hear the fancy language of the world.
nor did she expect him to forgive her.
all she needed, was to see a certain someone, seated in a certain seat.

"All she needed was the certainty of his love, and his reassurance that there was no hurry when a lifetime lay ahead of them. Love and patience – if only he had had them both at once – would surely have seen them both through. And then what unborn children might have had their chances, what young girl with an Alice band might have become his loved familiar? This is how the entire course of a life can be changed – by doing nothing.

On Chesil beach he could have called out to Florence, he could have gone after her. He did not know, or would not have cared to know, that as she ran away from him, certain in her distress that she was about to lose him, she had never loved him more, or more hopelessly, and that the sound of his voice would have been a deliverance, and she would have turned back. Instead, he stood in cold and righteous silence in the summer’s dusk, watching her hurry along the shore, the sound of her difficult progress lost to the breaking of small waves, until she was blurred, receding against the immense straight road of shingle gleaming in the pallid light."

forgive me...

- XOXO

i keep telling myself, "it's not so bad"

2010-03-03T21:55:00.001+08:00

replica of a natural planet.
multiplying cultural infestations.
this bug's got us, and we can't run.
nowhere to run.

i'm held together by the arms of strangers.
pieced together with the glue from collages.
hardly surviving, and against the direction.
from here on, it's all bitterness.

nothing's going right.
voices of a generation too young.
fervent fever from the summer of '69.
it's never too late for a revolution.

here, there's no place for rain.
abandoned and left behind.
i've lost my place in the world.
entirely.

honestly, i don't know what to tell anyone.
or maybe even you.
there's no way i can explain myself.
without tearing you up.

sometimes, it hurts to feel nothing at all.
and it's only because you've been hurt for too long.
that you've forgotten that you had a heart.
how much longer can i hold out?

my back aches from this heavy and lonely heart.
she's never done anything good for me.
and who needs a heart like that?
love has never done anything for me.

i'm the world's biggest ingrate.
love me and watch me perish.
for we are just the audience, to a renowned world play.
and i'm just your typical heartbreaker.

a world of darkness.
sirens and flashing lights.
there's no angel to lift me.
from this hell i've been born into.

things you've run away from.
they'll catch up with you, one day.

empty words are never enough.

- XOXO

skyline of the evening

2010-02-17T19:28:00.002+08:00

coffee beans.
bean bags and yellow lights.
a desolate corner of the world.
we're alone now.

i hear the sound of ukuleles.
the water's blue, a crystal true(through) blue.
gentle warmth of the fire.
my life hangs from a single thread.

he asks her for her hand, a dance.
slowly, spinning.
burning passion, and wilted hopes.
day late lovers, basking in maroon that will soon turn to night.

wondering, off the edge of life.
back from the dead, but losing all my drive.
going in circles, and nowhere.
it almost seems that everything i know is a lie.

between us, there shall be no words.
silence will speak in our place.
piano, nocturne.
my heart is empty as a dialing tone when i'm alone.

keep telling yourself these two years will pass quickly.
stuff your head towards the countless textbooks.
on and on, on and on.
please don't stop, or you'll never move.

catch me in a bad mood.
that's when i'm sane, and feeling best in my own skin.
i know how crazy it sounds.
but at least, it's true.

my gift: to make the simplest things complicated.
nobody ever promised me a rose garden.
O Rose, thou art sick.
whose life is it anyway?

it feels good to know that one person thinks about you before he goes to bed.
and when he has just awoken in the morning.
his wishes, all wished away for you.
none left for him.

these days aren't easy like they happened once before.
these days, they aren't easy anymore.

- XOXO

for you, secret valentine

2010-02-04T23:54:00.000+08:00

the furthest distance, is between hearts.
ours in particular.

it seemed like just yesterday.
holding onto you for better days.
we were going to be in love.

now that's all changed.
one year ago, remains as history.
we only existed at that time and place.

love never wanted me.
but i took it anyway.
and it has not got me anywhere.

forget about me, it's what i deserve.

- XOXO

dancing inside a tragedy

2010-01-17T21:22:00.007+08:00

to all the people who never loved me (or those who claimed to do so but never did):

Please, don't act like I begged for your love. I don't need your fake sympathy, I don't need your concern, I don't need your lies and above all, I don't need your love. All of you act as if I asked to be the way I am, as if I ever wanted to be less than perfect. But truth be told, that's bullshit, we both know it is.

Only when I'm on the brink of death, on a crisis that I cannot help, do you care. Only when I'm depressed and unable to love anyone else, do you begin to wonder why you never saw me. I wish I was half as invisible as you make me feel.

Truth is, I tried all along to fight myself to be brave for you. But nothing, nothing, nothing, and I mean nothing went appreciated. I'm born to be a human wreckage, born for your hating pleasure. You never loved me, did you?

Everywhere I go, everything I do hurts like crazy. This life itself is a crime against myself. And yet, why is it that I hold on to something so abstract? Do we even know what is love enough to claim that we 'love' someone? Do we even know the depths of our hearts? Do we know even know why we do anything and everything that we do?

When I'm gone, you'll cry at my funeral, you'll wish I was still here. But do you really wish that? And is the truth something we both don't dare to speak? Nobody loves me. I'm all alone.

Put yourself between the sheets of an aching head and an aching world with your aching heart beating in your chest. You might just cry, knowing that someone can feel like that all the time.

intertwined

2010-01-07T16:41:00.003+08:00

morning breaks, first light.
she wakes up to find that she's alone.
hollow typing sounds and empty dialing tones.
sun meets sky.

laughter can be heard.
but then again, it is only temporary.
her ears drown them out.
there's trouble in paradise.

everything is coming together.
yet, she has no glue to hold them.
there's only so much she can do.
before they fall apart.

her life shakes up and down.
breathing speeds up.
closes her eyes.
hope that everything won't be for nothing.

they'll never love her.
only throwing her down into the dumps.
a stray into their lives.
hearts too cramped to force another one.

but she has decided she doesn't need them anyway.
too lonely for too long.
sadness dried out of her eyes.
heart's holding onto something.

he reminds her of her childhood.
something straightforward and innocent.
her new dreams were just a facade.
a way to lower her expectations.

but now, he clears her vision.
she sees her life, and remembers it clearly.
it's what she's always wanted.
she knows what she has to do.

his voice rings something in her mind.
all the notions of the world vanish.
now, they look silly and childish.
out of place and time.

even on her best day.
when the planets align.
none could look at her.
and wonder why she was never loved.

but at least, she has the love of one person.

- XOXO

you and me, till the end

2010-01-02T00:18:00.005+08:00

Here's to the kids who would rather spend their night with a bottle of coke and Patrick or Sonny playing on their headphones than go to some vomit-stained high school party.

Here's to the kids whose 11:11 wishes were wasted on one person who will never be there for them.

Here's to the kids whose idea of a good night is sitting on the hood of a car, watching the stars.

Here's to the kids who were never too good at life, but still were wicked cool.

Here's to the kids who listened to Fall Out Boy and Hawthorne Heights before they were on MTV and blame MTV for ruining their life.

Here's to the kids who care more about the music than the haircuts.

Here's to the kids who hum 'A Little Less 16 Candles, A Little More Touch Me' when they're stuck home, dateless, on a Saturday night.

Here's to the kids who have ever had a broken heart from someone who didn't even know they existed.

Here's to the kids who have read The Perks of Being a Wallflower and didn't feel alone after doing so.

Here's to the kids who spend their days in photobooths with their best friend(s).

Here's to the kids who are straight up smartasses and just don't care.

Here's to the kids who speak their mind.

Here's to the kids who consider screamo their lullaby for going to sleep.

Here's to the kids who second guess themselves on everything they do.

Here's to the kids who will never have 100 percent confidence in anything they do, and to the kids who are okay with that.

Here's to the kids.

+ + +

This one's not for the kids,
who always get what they want,
but for the ones who never had it at all.

It's not for the ones who never got caught,
but for the ones who always try and fall.

This one's for the kids who didn't make it.
We were the kids who never made it.

The Overcast girls and Underdog Boys.

Not for the kids who had all their joys.

This one's for the kids who never faked it.
We're the kids who didn't make it.

They say "breaking hearts is what we do best,"
and "we'll make your heart be ripped off your chest".

The only heart that I broke was mine,
when I got my hopes up too high.

We're the kids who didn't make it.
We're the kids who never made it.

- P.W.

just in case, we've got cushions for the coming down

2009-12-16T21:42:00.003+08:00

the windows fog up.
rain drops chase tails, run about.
passing by old towns and rundown hearts.
it's just me and the cold.

or so i thought.
a stranger pops me a sudden question.
"hey there, you cold?"
meekly, i mutter a yes before cuddling closer to myself.

adjusting the air vents, more questions follow.
out of courtesy, i turn to look at him and answer gently.
he tries to warm up my vocal muscles.
but still, my replies leave room for silence.

some awkward minutes, which felt like eternity.
he says he has to drop off by the station.
i smile, again, to be polite, and bid him farewell.
instead, he winks and asks for a number.

insecurity would have driven one to pick up the pen.
to be entirely honest, it's not that hard.
but my answer was something that surprised myself.
flatly, a 'no' escaped my lips.

i told my friend, that it might be painful to be different.
but then again, there will be moments that one truly appreciates herself that way.
through something small, i know i'm worth something more.
more than what the world has to offer.

lately, losing oneself has become a fashion statement.
for a while, i was convinced of its charm.
now it's just a reminder of how common and vague things in reality are.
there's nobody who can love you as much you love yourself.

soaked in humanity, i've come out alive and grinning.
more glad than ever that i'm sane and loved.
love never turned its back on me.
and it's right here in me.

to the recipient of my oreo cheesecake, i have a few special words.
enough of doing things for others.
now's the time to live for yourself.
dance like nobody's watching.

your words: don't give a diamond to a dog.
if they have to fall, let them be.
at first, the ache might seem unbearable.
but you'll realize that it's all for the better.

once upon a time, i was a lonely and sad girl.
sometimes, so emotional that she cried over the smallest things.
but when she finally loved herself, that all changed.
the stars in her sky finally lit up.

for me, it has never been easy.
what i have suffered, should have been more than i could handle.
yet, after it all, here i am.
truth is, you're always stronger than you know.

i love the way you include smileys in your messages.
and the way your photo appears when i receive your messages.
don't run away, but run to me for cover.
let me be here to save you.

for you, the three most comforting words in the world.
you're not alone.

- XOXO

dear heart, please don't leave me

2009-12-11T22:51:00.009+08:00

weighing the pros and cons of breathing.
but nothing comes good out of it.
the pessimist doesn't see the cup as half empty.
to him, the cup doesn't even exist.

once again, troubled waters sail my ship.
not the other way round.
dragged to hell, and not coming back up.
kiss me electric, and electrocute me.

i miss everything that's going away.
and for this, i've been damned.
you're growing up and growing older.
and still, i think of your overused acoustic smile more than i should.

here's from me to you.
holding onto all the letters i ever wrote you.
posted them to nowhere.
because i can't find you.

a disaster from the start, and till the very end.
our worlds were and still are, total opposites.
but just so you know.
your words used to sing me to sleep.

writer on the impulse.
exactly like you, i think i'd die if i didn't have writing.
i could have been your queen of self-parody.
while you could have been my king of one-liners and misery.

somehow, when life gets me down.
you're one of the people that stray back into my mind.
i've hidden you like a hatchet, away from the light.
and now, revisiting thoughts about you feel like a sin.

and then there's you.
call me crazy, call me blind.
i trusted you with my thoughts, and now, you've run away with them.
was it right to believe you?

i sit here, waiting for your apology.
countless times now, i've always been the one mouthing sorry.
does the problem lie with you?
or with me?

hopes too high, only to plummet to the ground.
sadness binds people together.
i'm selfish.
please don't leave me here to bleed.

you constantly remind me to love myself.
assuring me that i'm wonderful.
just like everyone else had always told you.
but how can i do that when the only person who listens to me, turns a deaf ear?

when it comes down to you.
words dessert me.
everything i say, or write to you feel worthless.
and i promise you that i hate myself for that.

as much as i wish i could find someone to love you.
it's definitely not me.
from me to you, it's more of sympathy.
and a little of an overactive conscience.

s(he) be(lie)ve(d).
i always hoped you'd read between the lines.

lastly, this is the boy who means the world to me.
though i have done so many wrongs, he loves me evermore for my mistakes.
people may recognize me by my face, or by my name.
but he recognizes me by scars.

whenever i feel like giving up, he somehow gives me assurance.
we're all just messed up people, trying to find hope in a crazy world.
choices and chances, which to make and break.
i feel more alone than ever.

nobody ever understands the pain of emptiness.
it gets into your bloodstream, and it keeps on going.
poisoning you till you're numb and unfeeling.
only he holds the vaccine.

and even my knight in shining armor doesn't always win the battle.
he falls, and bruises easily.
more than ever, he's half beaten to death.
by the cruelty of distance and pointless lamenting.

four kids are cramped into my head right now.
each with their own set of complimentary sufferings.
all violently bashing me, begging me for a piece of my time.
they don't know how it feels to be tortured like that.

but i am only human.
sometimes, i play the rescuer.
now it's time for you to rescue me.

note: happy 18th, sis.

- XOXO

girl meets world

2009-12-05T14:54:00.003+08:00

the blinking cursor waits for my answer.
a reason why i haven't been right in my skin.
or rather, an excuse to shut their gaps.
living paranoia.

i'm a wishful thinker with the worst intentions.
and i ask that i was made to dance on the milky way.
just a kid who forgot how to breathe.
and it doesn't come easy.

crazy smashing anger.
hurling from the lungs to the heart.
giving oneself into the hate.
we're the suffering insane.

a momentary relapse.
collapse.
hyperventilate.
i could almost swear i was going mad.

reopened wounds, and blades cut deep.
they slice, with no mercy.
excruciating pain surging through my being.
it's all i can feel.

the crickets sing for me.
leaves stir in the storm ahead.
rain pelts down like meteorites.
chaos is in the air.

battle horns sound.
and here i am, without armor or protection of any sort.
naked and bare in my own uncomfy skin.
they're sending me to hell.

one step closer.
and i'm off the ledge.
drowning in my own angst.
hanging onto threads of hope for my life.

intense.

there's no time for a break.
no place to breathe or run.
creatures waiting for your fall at every turn.
watching eyes.

when you're alone, nobody can hurt you.
except yourself.

demons running fire in my head.
images flash.
shrinking into my own comfort zone.
when there's none to begin with.

losing control of myself.
consuming every bit of me left.
insecure.
come alive dear heart, come home to me.

and she did.
fragile but still trying.
slowly, rising from the ashes of my misery.
newborn, and all mine to hold.

love and pain are inseparable.

maybe, someone died for us on the cross for that same reason.
love isn't love, until you're hurt beyond what you can take.
it will test everything you believe, and everything you have.
but sometimes, you just have to take it all in.

if you think that love's a smooth ride, then be prepared.
there'll be times when you feel like giving up on yourself.
love demands your life, love demands everything.
and it never regrets.

every time i think i know enough about the power of love.
i'm proven wrong.
but now, i do know something.
the boundaries of love cannot be drawn with markers or measurements of the world.

do anything.
claim that you give up if it fits you well.
go half insane, and scream at yourself.
but continue to believe, and you'll see the end of the tunnel.

sometimes, words don't say much.
but you and i both know, that silence means much more.

you know me by what i don't say, and by the tempo of my heartbeat.
and though, i do not speak about you as much as i should.
please know that, you're the reason behind everything i do.
you're a miracle, designed for me.

to all those who have saved my life.
tonight, the headphones will deliver the words that i can't say.
love never fails.

- XOXO

slow spinning redemption

2009-12-03T19:47:00.008+08:00

Her head was in a mess, and still, the loud blaring from the speakers would not stop. Everything just agitated her; the senseless chatter of lovers, the passing of cars and even the gentle breeze that brushed her cheeks. The bags on her shoulders, filled with pointless things, were weighing her down.

If home is where the heart is, she didn’t have one. Her house was a prison to her soul, sucking and pulling the life out of it. Everyday passed the same, looking at the same skyline, sinking further into depression and wishing her life away with things she’d never say. Only sixteen, and already tired of her own skin.

It wasn’t the first time, but it was different. There was blood on her lips from biting to hold back tears. An old couple, walking hand in hand, came her way. She loses control, and rivulets stream down her face. Crouching in the corner of the street, she cries to herself. Nobody loves me, she said.

Bits of technology attempt to save her. Friends, bounded by the same sorrow, with kind messages attempt to salvage the situation. But instead, all she could do was think about the heartache that was causing a riot inside her. Strangers shot her looks, from ones of kindness, to ones of sheer disdain. Breathing becomes difficult.

Unwanted memories work their way to her brain: the touch of naked skin, silent cries and the helplessness of a lifetime. For so long, she had tried to shut them out. For so long, she had pretended to be happy and that everything was alright. But truth be told, it was far from alright.

She had never told anyone her story. Generally, people don’t really bother to listen, and even when they do, they just want to tell you what they think about the problem. They can only say quitters never win, but then again, what’s the point of walking the plank on a sinking ship? Maybe they’ll never know, but all she needed was for someone to hold her.

Looking at the scars from her past, she gets up. Wiping away her tears, she walks in the only direction she has ever known: away.

Three hours later, she arrives at a familiar place. She goes into the washroom, only to notice that she looks horrible. After a little cold water and a few starburst babies, she convinces herself that everything is going to be okay. She walks up to the apartment, presses the doorbell, and waits.

A young girl bounds happily down the stairs to greet her. Oblivious to the pain of the world, the young girl invites her into the house and to finish up her jigsaw puzzle with her. She smiles, and agrees.

They work for five hours, with lots of patience, headaches and crazy songs. The young girl reminds her of the way she had been in her earlier days. The young girl spoke enthusiastically about the puzzle, happy at the thought of how happy her boyfriend would be to receive this present. Most people think that kids don’t understand the meaning of love, but it might just be the opposite. Pure expressions of affection and love, that’s what the world’s running dry of.

When they are finally done, both of them are exhausted. The young girl smiles while yawning, and she sends her off to bed. The young girl begs for a story, but she knows no other stories than her own. Instead, she sings a song. Her voice shakes, and her body follows. But still, she sings. Then, she leaves with a note on her bedside table.

The ride home was something she needed, surrounded by lonely individuals, with iPods way too loud. She settled herself comfortably in the middle of the solitude, and allowed her thoughts to run free. She wondered if anyone had ever felt the same way before.

She thought about the cruel kids at school, and her life for the past four years. She had given her heart away so many times, only to see it crushed over and over again. Who needs a heart like that anyway? Nobody needs a heart like that.

Dragging her feet, she arrives at the place she had run away from. She didn’t know if she should cry or laugh, at the fact that she didn’t even have someone to run away to. And with the little bit of bravery she had left, she turned the keys. But sometimes, it’s not being brave when you have no choice.

The pale yellow walls of her room looked sadder than ever. She sank down into her chair, and turned on the computer. It was not really something she wanted, but at least, it was something she could do to keep herself from going insane.

A busy friend’s message pops out on the screen. She replies. There is nothing special about the conversation, just polite asking. She asked him about his day, and in turn, he asked her about her day. She paused for a while. The truth, or the lie?

With the computer screen and thousands of miles as her shield, she stated the truth nonchalantly. He expresses shock, and empathy. She tries to drop it, saying it doesn’t matter. But he presses on, and reminds her that he’s there to listen.

A promise is a promise, and she started. She thought that she could make it through, with a mug of hot coffee and a blanket around her. But soon, as she got into the heart of the story, tears flowed freely again.

She recalled the start of her frustration with the world. She recalled how her life had been built on a pile of lies. She recalled trying to change her life slowly, only to crumble again and again. She recalled how she hoped and prayed that if she kept telling herself that everything was alright, it would be one day.

Never would she have thought that he had been listening to ever word. He grew angry at her. Not particularly at her, but at how pathetic she made herself to be. He raised his voice, and even brutally told her that she was only making everything worse. That was not what she had wanted. She just wanted someone to listen, and to share her pain. She grew frustrated too.

Her humble and gentle words, took a sharp turn. She started to shout at him, and allowed the feelings she had kept inside for so long to come out in roars. She shouted, till she cried and till her voice cracked.

“I wish I was just like everyone else. I wish I could only care about the material and superficial things. I wish I could care about something else rather than how miserable I feel every single day. And don’t judge me, because I’m not you, and you’re not me.”

But he was patient with her. And at the end of her outburst, instead of allowing her to resign to fate, he smiled at her. He told her he cared, and that he was glad that she finally had the courage to tell him all that she had to say. He held her tight, and reminded her of the promise of another day.

In between her tears, her heart came back to life. All the words that never came out the right way were finally spoken. And she cried again, but not from the anguish, but from the beauty of the first step of liberation.

Out of all the wrongs in her life, something was finally right. That night, she slept soundly, finally believing that one day, someone would love her.

(Written for the 10th Annual Writer's Digest Short Short Story Competition, titled A B-side to the World. Hope you guys will enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.)

dear general public

2009-11-27T01:07:00.005+08:00

I would like to show my appreciation to my buddies, Samuel, Melissa, Ester, Jessie, Bella, Huizhen, Dee, Minyee, Tania, Huiping, Smita, Janey, Charlotte, Selica,and many more kids, whose names suddenly escape me, for this wonderful year.

Cheers.

(I'm too bloody damn lazy to type out personally posts, shoot me if you must.)

standing still, your hands in mine

2009-11-25T21:22:00.002+08:00

rebel without a cause.
save me from the riot of the world.
invisible monsters, sinking me to sleep.
wake me up with a kiss.

oh, my dear short skirt mistresses.
promiscuity shot me down to the gutter.
raw flesh and skin.
and i can't stop singing to old songs.

art for the face.
i've got an F for that.
does eyeliner go on your eyeballs?
or is it meant to blacken your cries?

give me anger.
give me jealousy.
give me tension.
give me empathy.
give me apathy.
give me malice.
give me anguish.
give me something to believe, dammit.

don't blame me kids, i'm giving you what you want.
fashion statements are death sentences nowadays.
i think i'm pretty lucky.
ugliness is the best shield.

diamonds, to me, are merely shattered glass.
it's time to dance.
but nobody should think as much as i do.
my head's a penitentiary for the soul.

A: "who is that girl?"
B: "the one with the graphic tee, checkered pants and green shoes?"
A: "yes, the ugly one."
that's me.

can't catch a breath.
give me a break.
mad ringing in my ears.
and no it's not the phone this time.

tears, following gravity.
kissing my cheeks, and then my lips.
holding onto one of the best inventions of technology.
yelling my heart out, into the speakers that will speak for me.

for the past few weeks.
the nightmares got worse.
can't really recall it now.
but still, i'm thankful for the wake up call.

a timeless love letter.
corny words that suddenly feel real.
dedicate a song, dance with me.
make me into anything, but just love me.

he's restored life back to my heart.
singing old songs on guitar, and strumming beautiful melodies.
he'll never know how much he means to me.
i almost thought i had lost him.

the only questions running zigzag in my mind.
"what's wrong with me?"
"have i gone mad?"
"or was i insane to begin with?"

take me away.
take me with you.
bring me home.
bring me to your heart.

i can't take this anymore.

- XOXO

blue, but renewed

2009-11-20T11:35:00.002+08:00

turbulence at high.
shaking my world unconscious.
falling into an abyss of forever.
easy as headaches.

the world whirls around me.
i'm just dust in the wind.
dancing to the music of Paradise Hall.
they don't know about me.

sick of new photographs.
nostalgic for the old.
everything about everyone else, makes me fall to pieces.
i'm alive, but i'm not living.

my mouth is tired of lying to save my life.
sell myself out, and get away from the limelight.
my favorite song sings from the earphones.
when was the last time i've heard it?

love me, hate me.
doesn't really matter.
without all of your talking, i'd be infamous still.
now, silence is golden.

we're not fairytales.
just monsters, living in reality.
sugar crystals are just sweet.
not all that glitters in gold here.

but still, i've survived.
with much prayer, and a silent song under my breath.
words never meant so much.

- XOXO

a curious case of Stockholm syndrome

2009-11-06T23:38:00.003+08:00

winding, winding.
let go, and watch it spin.
quickly, quickly, run for your life.
too short of breath, and stop.

these fireflies had burn out in my hands.
i set them free, a reminder that i'm not dead.
trapped in the present, or an uncertain past.
moving forward, but falling back in line.

at first, i thought i could walk away.
with no regrets, no reason to feel sad.
but as i do, i glance back.
these faces and memories don't leave me the way i want them to.

omnipresent, right.
through years of adolescence.
i grew up, in this hellhole of a place.
and it has molded me, into the person i am now.

i don't know which side of me speaks louder.
walk away like everyone else, or take glory for what it is.
only knowing that, both ways are not what appease me.
no, no conformity.

sick of sleeplessness in my eyes.
nervous breakdowns, that are calm on the outside.
my writer's blocks are crushing me under.
and i don't remember when the last time my mind was free to wander.

words, i want my words back where they belong.
stemming from hearts, and not books that follow laws.
get these phrases out of my head.
this understanding of the world of nothingness into the drain.

can't reconcile this for what it is.
the ending, or a whole new beginning.
paralyzing me, or petrifying me.
everyone's driving me crazy.

enough i say, enough enough.
enough of this comparision between me and her.
who is she? i don't know.
she's someone, that i would never want to know.

her grades are lined with single As.
and the digit that appears is an appealing 1.
why, why me?
i'm just nothing, but me.

they all complain, they all complain.
but do they know anything at all?
the pressure's on, and the world's on fire.
oh my, oh my, the consequences are dire.

i fight, with all my might.
release me, from the prison, i command.
but nobody hears my mute little voice.
all they hear is the applause.

sometimes, i think that i live to write.
to pen my thoughts down.
for the past few weeks, i've been practicing abstinence to my paper.
and i thought, that i would almost go mad.

thoughts crammed inside my head.
dying for a chance to be expressed.
let me live, or kill me.
and they keep on singing in my head.

i'm tired of nothing.
and that is what amuses me the most.
exhaustion from sleeping, too worn out to move on.
has someone kidnapped my heart and left it to rot?

long walks calm me down.
they hurt my feet slightly, and make me woozy.
but i'm still glad, that someone is willing to take them with me.
although i dislike the sound of the traffic.

jelly drinks and flabby ice cream.
i need to feel young again.
my brain's getting too old, too old for my head.
and it just don't feel right this way.

i assure you that there's nobody who can stand my nonsense.
not unless you love tornado potatoes and octopus takoyaki.
one who loves to read, but suppresses his feelings.
and most of all, eats every meal beside me.

although i miss the time when we could share blankets.
i know that i must be patient, and that it will come again.
this is the rainy season, and though i don't have an umbrella.
your love will light my way home.

i'm in love with the place that brought me up.

- XOXO

i'm shedding my skin

2009-10-11T01:45:00.000+08:00

hello you.
goodbye you.

it feels like forever, since i've been liberated.
all these familiar faces, suddenly become a burden to the soul.
maybe, it's a little strange and abrupt.
like waking up when the best part is yet to come.

never good at goodbyes.
probably never will.

i'm not really happy.
neither am i depressed.
just a little lighter, like i can finally breathe.
another step towards the future.

this all will seem like a little splat.
of paint residue, in the end.

i'm finally free of this prison.

- XOXO

can't stop the rain, but i'll keep trying

2009-09-22T23:10:00.005+08:00

my heart's a barren land.
and my soul's doing no better sometimes.
only born to climb the heights.
never good for anything else.

place me on a pedestal, yeah.
but don't blame me for not appreciating it.
i was born for the rags.
and besides, invisibility > fame and glory.

going up or going down?
you'll never know till you reach the ground.
sometimes, i don't even think i want to know anymore.
we all need some insanity to realize we're sane enough to keep fighting.

i know i haven't exactly been the best person i can be.
and what i'm trying to say here isn't for you not to blame me.
but i decided that it would be better for me to clear the air.
so at least, my conscience will sleep tonight.

emptiness has been eating my insides.
leaving me hollow and bitter, like lemon grind.
i've been mentally tortured by myself.
yes, and i don't need anyone else to do it anymore.

for the past week, i've been on the brink of insanity.
as insane as i usually seem, this insanity's a new sort of thing.
the kind which makes you think you're sane, when you're actually not.
it gets into your bloodstream, and makes your heart lost.

and i got lost.
in the midst of all the books and the nagging.
between the late night talks and the phone calls.
but now, i've been found.

that's all thanks to a cyborg boy whom lives on Mars.
he reminds me how like Van Gogh's paintings, that we are not of this world.
so, we should not be too concerned with what the world thinks.

running on wet rush, getting grass onto our feet.
badminton under the sun, in the middle of a field.
sparkling juice to end the session.
and a walk home.

i've read many stories.
not enough to boast about.
but sufficient to know roughly what occurs in the world.
and till this date, i think our story's the best.

we only have each other to hold onto.
but that's enough for us.
we may not have a lot of money or time together.
but that's more than enough for us.

i love how we know the sound of each other's breathing.
how i can hear him coming from afar with the sound of his coughing.
and how he knows all the chambers of my heart.
everything pales in comparison.

and through it all, he keeps me safe.
he keeps me warm.

- XOXO

on the edge of the world

2009-08-11T21:58:00.001+08:00

wish away on a penny, balloon.
down it goes, into the well.
or up it'll fly, way up into the air.
don't we all need to feel like children sometimes?

candy, cookies, chocolates.
they clog arteries, and maybe incur upset tummies.
but fret not, don't care.
a little of unhealthiness is good for the soul.

days go by, and i'm counting the seconds.
lost in a maze, and i'm the only who got myself in it.
they say life's a game.
then again, those who win are those who never play by the rules.

eyes, watching from the bedsheets.
a soft silence, a wanderer's adventure.
through the jungle, over the seas.
i'll build a boat, and find new territory.

my drawings do not require sketching.
pencil to the paper, leaving marks, papers after.
gripping with it, like it means my life.
i wish i was an artist.

time is running out for me.
we're all dated to be old, all soon before we know.
packaged away, with an expiry date.
dumped into the incinerator.

of the world, in the world.
can't escape it.
either die, or die trying.
but, i'll keep trying.

tonight, we may be tired.
we may not want to run.
but if we don't run, we'll never make it out.

tonight, we'll be pirates.
we'll be kings, of an underground cult society.
and then, there'll only be you and me.

i'm sorry for always being on my toes.
always tripping but never falling.
but i will hold onto you, as tightly as you hold me.

so, don't let go.
don't give up on me.

- XOXO

story of a car chase

2009-08-02T19:56:00.002+08:00

all this time.
it's funny to find that i've been turning in circles.
going nowhere, spinning on headaches.
feeding on thoughts that fuel my angst.

tumbling threw the careless woods of life.
darkness, bright, darkness, bright.
but that doesn't bother me.
i'm living free, with no confines by environment.

nervous? not quite.
everyone around's a potential criminal.
don't wear your heart on your sleeve.
they gonna rip and tear it.

i sit by neon lights, in forsaken alleys.
watch the cars zoom past, dazzling.
perch myself on the high walls of forbidden property.
joyride a bus, to somewhere that's off my directory.
anything, to keep myself from going crazy.

pain, it won't go away.
tired of the names and faces.
sick of all these phoniness.

found the cure to getting older.
fish and chips, four times a week.
with a lovely boy, who makes me sing 'raining flakes'.
i love the sound of the clink of our cutlery.

we walk, hand in hand, into bookstores.
up and down, three whole levels, and we don't stop.
in and out, through the narrow pathways.
smell of rotten books, give us headaches.

settling down, to take a drink.
sanitizing our hands, in a silent cafe.
taking the bus down, to another new destination when the sun won't go down.

just when everyone left me continuously.
tearing me to bits.
you picked me up, and glued me back.
now, all i ever do, every word i ever write, it's all for you.

- XOXO

dear sellout, here's what i have to say

2009-07-23T20:27:00.005+08:00

time and time, i've been warned against the world.
wise ones told me never to send my heart out into the world.
don't give a dog a pearl, 'cause they're gonna crush it.
people nowadays, are no different from animals.

soulless.
black irises that are hollow.
maybe, they've got an edge to contort facts.
or rip off someone's hard work like it means nothing.

i cannot deny my disappointment with my own judgment.
forgiven her, again and again.
how many times? i don't really remember.

speaking to someone who doesn't understand the essence of something.
that's like playing the guitar to the deaf.
never gonna listen, never gonna comprehend.

to me, a writer is someone who puts humanity into words.
not really their own stories, or thoughts.
it's more of symbolic meaning or analogies.

correct me if i'm wrong.
but wait, forget it.
they always judge me wrong.

writers take pride in their work.
but their pride doesn't allow them to succeed on others' terms.
never create excuses for their mistakes, 'cause they know only they can be blamed.
maybe it's their lack of linguistic accuracy, or their plain stupidity.

everyone can say it's my paranoia.
but believe me, 'cause i believe in myself for once.
when i asked third parties for their opinions.
they expressed the same sentiments.

rippers will only get as good as ripping gets.
and let's just say that ripping isn't a good thing.
you want to be dressed in poetry, but imagery doesn't fit.

go ahead, lie to yourself.
if that makes you feel better about yourself.
for all your life, you've only been concerned with yourself.

when your friends fall out with you, all you can do is badmouth them.
when they're back into your life, you pretend like you never did.
please don't tell me that's not goddamn fakery.

even the most peace-ling people, can find faults with you.
so don't expect someone like me, to tolerate with your shit.

yes, i might not think highly of you now.
but it's all for good reason.
think to yourself, have you done anything worth my respect?
think hard as you may, but know that you've done nothing.

you base your life around you.
your family, friends, and whatever.
never looking at the big picture.
that was what's so definitive about your work.

maybe i forced you to open your eyes.
but still, that's no reason to rip.
influence is one thing, ripping is another.

but i respect the old works more than the new.
they have a certain soul, a heart beating in them.
not like the ones now, just like goddamn test tube babies.
unnatural.

but please, do as you please.
i'm not going to waste my time on people who don't care.
like i've said, writers are the truest sentimental creatures.
they would never do something to hurt someone else.
well, unless they're bloody fakeass.

you think you think deeply.
but then again, you are deep on the surface.
maybe you won't get me, but i don't expect you too.
maybe the old you, i would expect that.
but the new you, is just a loser.

but whatever it is, i still find myself giving thanks.
because of someone who loves me, through it all.
someone who will never let me go.

you keep me sane, from losing it when people drive me up the wall.
you remind me why i keep fighting, instead of letting them shit all over me.
you keep me from shaking, from getting mad at things that aren't worth it.
you remind me why i'm happy to be alive, to have someone like you.

i'll try not to let these people hurt me anymore.
trust nobody with my masterpieces, except you.
they never practice what they preach, except you.
you're not of this world.

through everything, i believe more and more that love is the essence of life.
i will love myself, and love you.
love myself by treasuring myself, by not getting agitated.
love you by holding you close to my heart, by not letting go easily.

without you, i would have wound up in the mental hospital long ago.
thanks for being the cure for broken hearts and damaged souls.
you are the only miracle i know.

- XOXO

something borrowed, something blue, something sane, something you

2009-07-14T20:03:00.003+08:00

i hate knowing that i'm headed nowhere.
drive so fast, no control of direction.
skid on slippery roads, just for the excuse.
die, or die trying?

maybe it's jealousy at work.
but i can't help but feel that this is all so unreal.
shoot me, or maybe i can do it myself.
don't wanna lose my head, don't wanna lose myself.

their question of the day: so what?
just because you do something good, doesn't mean nobody gonna beat you.
my advice for you?
chow down the dictionary, and hopefully it somehow reaches your brain in time.

the thing at play here, isn't words.
it's about carefully constructing it, such that clarity comes near.
a simple word, like 'very' can make hell of a difference.
but you don't know that.

sometimes, i see them in my mirror.
five years ago, i was them.
stuck in time, trying to think i was invincible.
but i'm not, i'm broken.

lungs don't wanna breathe them out.
songs don't wanna sing them out.
eyes don't wanna cry them out.
throat don't wanna scream them out.

everywhere i go, it's all i see.
crazy, that's where it's driving me.
but then again, what can i do?
i'm a watcher, that's what i do.

they act like saints.
deep inside, who knows what they are.
just another soul to waste?
maybe, i don't know for sure.

there's something i know for sure though.
old buoyant round floats, and old oak.
a jukebox, playing songs that i know.
restaurant beside a bookshop, that's what we're working too.

i can imagine him, standing behind the counter.
smiling, while the customers that we're familiar with, flood in.
he wants to be both, the waiter, and the cook.

and what's connecting, is the ice-cream tunnel.
tiles of white, and mirrors all over.
it's neat, and clean, and it's ours to love.

out of the tunnel, into a new world.
wood too, but no smell of age.
but, a musty smell of books.
it's quiet, and a pleasant silence surrounds the room.

no matter what happens, be rest assured.
even in the worst of times, there'll be a roof over our heads.
we can always live in the house i've built out of writer's blocks.
our dreams are all that keeps me going on.

i love how when we sleep during the hot afternoons.
and the fact that our sweat gets all mixed up.
it makes us laugh.

- XOXO

you don't look past the fence, do you?

2009-07-09T21:24:00.002+08:00

lately these days, there's a new trend.
to throw your hearts into the trash can.
then leave it there, to collect dust and rot.
or at least, until the garbage man comes along.

their hearts have a new condition.
i heard it's deadly, but then again, they are the doctors.
something on the lines of myopia, a blindness.
but the symptoms are hard to identify.

but no, their eyes still work.
everything else is in tiptop condition.
something's not very right though.
a mechanism of some sort, something that works just like a heart.

they hardly see, what is beyond personal benefit.
getting all worked up and jittery at the slightest of things.
only in hopes to hear others say, "you're already so good."
and that's when the smiles start to creep in.

maybe, it's human nature.
then maybe, i don't wanna be a human.
the term inhumane, should be used to describe the kindest ways.
at least, the beasts don't eat their own kids.

to me, it don't take much to be a literary genius.
you either have to be insane.
or, drive others insane.
that's pretty simple, huh?

to them, it's hard to be associated with words.
other than the bombastic vocab they've read from the dictionary.
always dressed with a disguise, to impress someone.
maybe, they're just freaks that should go join the spelling bee.

tired of appearing as something i'm not.
this world only wants something pleasant on the eyes.
not pleasant for the heart.
words, they are weapons now.

besides the world's never ending struggle to turn me like them.
i'm comforted to know that, i'm still special.
from the warm hugs, to the afternoon naps.
when we sleep, we sleep and the world vanishes.

i wanna live a life away from here.
really don't know how i could ever take all these for so many years.
it just hurts to be here sometimes.
to hear the whispers about you behind closed doors.

i wish i was stronger than this.
to face everything.
shut my ears to the things that aren't real.
but it's really difficult.

there's this box, called the box of love.
in it, there's soap, tissue and many notes.
maybe, it looks like an ordinary silver box.
but to me, it's all i ever need to keep surviving.

and in this box, it's all him.
from head to toe.
it sings sweet songs into my ears.
tells me to keep on holding on, even when i don't know.

i believe, there's one person who can get into my head.
find out the true me, touch my heart.
so far, nobody's come close.
not until now.

it's brave to die for someone.
but for you, i will live.

- XOXO

the coldest night

2009-07-07T19:06:00.005+08:00

it's hard to keep still.
when everything else shakes and trembles.
feels like i'm crumbling underneath the rubble.
gonna start another revolution tonight.

have you ever wondered how they keep straight faces?
take food only for nutritional benefits?
what happened to candy and laughter that flood the halls?
where's the world we've left behind?

the distance between hands and hearts are getting too far.
hearts of charcoal, meant to burn.
tears of ice, meant to pierce.
a body that hides secret weapons to hurt.

dodging questions like poison ball.
they say that's the best it'll ever get.
so, allow the air to fill your lungs.
then breathe out, only to realize your existence depends on something so fragile.

from the point of view of a human heart.
it's hard to see others happy, when you're obviously suffering the opposite fate.
they'll never let it go.
won't rest till everyone's as miserable as them.

i don't hold much against them though.
because that's just the way they are.
they're just senseless robots, who can never understand.
never understand what it means to love, to smile.
unless their program includes something along those lines.

our love comes alive in poetry.
classical music, maybe.
egg tarts in the rain, and milk tea.
the contrabass of a baroque song.
or a cafe by the library, especially its window seats.

crazy but amazing how we are.
living like little children, with the problems of generations before.
keep living like this, and we could be invincible.

walking on the hills that night.
with those fireworks and candlelight.
you and i were meant to love right.

but i could have told you.
that there will never be any like you.

- XOXO

hey kid, this city's dead on the inside

2009-06-23T22:51:00.010+08:00

shut-up hearts, sealed.
fingers to the keys, no words.
there's a war going on out there.
warm with the money, but not really.

wish i could dissect their hearts.
inspect the liquid that's pumped out.
it's lucid black, it's high in viscosity.
no, this can't be.
this is hate, in a living being.

poison your mind.
taint it, so even bleach can't save it.
might as well, nip it in the butt.
rip out your heart, before it turns to dust.

i'm scared, shitless.
standing by myself, against this paranoia.
yeah, yeah, run for your pitiable lives.
nobody's gonna save you, not when your reputation's on the line.

should i go crazy, just like all of you?
turn my back, and run away like you?
be a coward, and beg for mercy?
haha, that's so pathetic.
i'm not like you.

you can try, you can try.
but let me say this.
before you succeed, we're all gonna die.
soak in the sand, and melt into the earth.
gone in a jackflash.

i've lived through the era of viral bacteria.
and through it all, humanity reveals its worst.
stunted courage, blunt tongues.
what the hell is this world coming to?

got to admit, i'm mad.
angry, even.
sick and tired that this cowardice is everywhere.
i see it, in the magazines, newspapers.
on TV.

the world shines in an array of ugly shades.
and my eyes are currently sore to the core.
but there's an artist with a palette with pretty colors.
someone to paint the world, and make it feel alright.

the artist, he hardly knows what's going on.
maybe he does, but he chooses to see the bright side.
he's gonna paint back a sun in the sky.
and perhaps, a funny bunny-looking cloud to keep up my smile.

i don't need Picasso or Da Vinci.
just need someone who can hold me like his brush.
and dust away the rubble of my fall.
most of all, keep me locked in his closet of secrets.
keep me safe, keep me warm.

sometimes, i don't know how to face it all.
but then, he reminds me of his greatest masterpiece.
hand to chest, it's beating in me.

note: a little treat.

- XOXO

he's my window to the city

2009-06-19T23:33:00.004+08:00

scissors and stitches.
weaving in and out to make a cross.
colors crash in a junction.
and that's when worlds collide.

gaps in the floor.
below us, there's a riot going on.
city lights and skyscrapers.
we're on cloud nine.

peering my head out of the vehicle.
my reflection, staring at me from the water.
birds humming in the trees.
a villa, far away, with a garden of lilies.

they stare at me funny.
because they don't see what i see.
to them, it's a plain sight.
something not worth a second look.

but to me, it's like being on a hot air balloon.
above the ground, almost naturally.
a little nerve-wrecking, but interesting.
mother earth's actually pretty romantic.

over the phone, i hear him.
he speaks of daily dealings and things.
a smile is apparent in his voice.
he's coming home.

most people think that home is a place.
but to me, it's a person.
someone that makes you feel like you're right in your skin.
and you could be home everywhere.

he remembers all the little things i say.
keeps them close to his heart, and to his head.
they're there to remind him.

"just because you love me more, doesn't mean i'm not trying."

- XOXO

an empty sea, in me

2009-06-15T13:39:00.002+08:00

something hollow.
voices spin and revolve around the room.
these minutes, they show no mercy.
i'm tired of sleeping, tired of waiting.

bitterness is all that's left.
unmotivated, self-cultivated.
too lazy to pick up the pen.
head's always a neighbor to the pillow.
but eyes never close on command.

alone in a damp dark house.
tap's dripping.
light's flickering.
my heart's bleeding.

roaring, hissing, silence, a dead silence.
my wounds are stung.
feet dragging on for miles and miles.
but i sit and wait, for someone to come.

no cure for the habit.
outside, they're having tea.
hot and warm, a little tinge of polite greeting.
while i'm here, stuck and drugged on melancholy.

get out, get out.
take me nowhere.
diagrams of heartache and miserable thoughts in my head.
i feel like i'm stuck in a picture.
a silent movie.

a few days, maybe.
but it's infernal hell in here.
can't think, can't breathe, can't live.
nauseated with notions of nothing.
a black abyss.

please come home.
be safe, sleep safe.
i can only hope you're doing better than me.
but you're probably drifting in your dreams.

send me out in a rocket, somewhere far out there.
i'm counting down the days when i don't get homesick.
home, come home please.

because without you, i'm just a snail.
with nothing to protect me.

- XOXO

this night belongs to lust and lovers

2009-06-04T21:42:00.002+08:00

wake up from dreaming, sleep well.
it's goodnight moon.
under the weeping willows.
these stars don't shine for you.

born into a new world.
with political unrest and economic grooves.
they always tell you to keep your feet stuck to the ground.
but my head's high in the clouds.

from Caribbean waters to the dead sea.
they're marketing kisses on a stick.
bought at the price of two per piece.
and it's 'buy one, get one free'.

they say love is measured in carats.
diamonds and precious stones.
but i say we feed our jewelery to the sea.
wait for thousands of years before someone finds it.

but i say love is measured in strings.
hold it on your hand, and run away.
a frayed one is all it takes.
to unravel the mysteries of a broken heart.

behind the big sunglasses are glassy eyes.
cold, emotionless and with no life.
they whispers promises of love for a thousand miles.
and then, the gold nuggets jingle.

in the jungle of callous human nature.
we play like children.
in the light of the speeding cars.
challenging gravity, we bounce up and down.

still, i'm safe in someone's prayers.
a musical snowglobe.
"i'll never let you down", it says in black marker.

- XOXO

wondering which side of the barrel i should be on

2009-05-19T19:49:00.002+08:00

slumped back on a leather chair.
nose stuck into a book, and eyes running like trains on tracks.
reckless heart driving a truck on a bumpy road.
sometimes, so high the crown crashes the ceiling.
but sometimes, so low i don't see what's in front.

stab, rip, kill.
it's a riot out there.
everyone's just out to hurt each other.
to compete in the race to nowhere.

with every word i write, my heart sinks.
for once, i thought things were going to be alright.
but now, they're uncovering the bullet holes all over the wall.
rake up painful memories and split them apart.
make it crimson, make it scar.

sometimes, i can almost swear they're out to get me.
loaded the most hurtful words as bullets to their pistols.
then, they take their best shot at me.
it's like they were born to do this.

maybe, just maybe, i was born to be misunderstood by many.
defy all laws of science and gravity.
but i can tell you something now, and you better listen closely.
one day, i'll show you what it means to be me.

but in any case, i'm still keeping sane.
the gun of my heart rests safely in the locked cabinet.
and he sings me songs.

he tells me everything is going to be alright.
that no matter what they say, it's never going to matter that much.
like me, his nose is always stuck in a book.

and it's people who love writing.
or reading someone's writing.
who really know what's truth.

i don't know what i'd do without you.
please, don't stop being you.

- XOXO

you're not the only one

2009-05-13T19:26:00.005+08:00

blistered knees and sore skin.
swollen eyes, from tears in your sleep.
screaming from a nightmare, jerked back into reality.
your life is swirling out of control before you.

maybe you'd try to cling onto a hand.
but you'd see it fall with you, or away from you.
lost and wandering from door to door.
only to find that one by one, they shut out your heart.

despite global warming, the world's still freezing cold.
and sometimes, things just start to head for hell.
but please don't lost hope.
there's always a pot of gold at the end of every rainbow.

i cannot promise that every life has a happy ending.
but the number of those who deserve one, is an optimistic sign.
take that from someone who has stared depression in the face.
and almost went crazy when the world turned its back on her.

we aren't made to take hits, we're meant to make them.
so smile, because there's no reason not to.
quit stirring up trouble and melancholy like a hurricane.
let love take you where you belong, like a river to the sea.

grades are the kind of thing which breed theoretical prowess.
but at the time same, an inability to apply.
desperate die-hard kids who only know tested-and-tried answers.
with no sparks in their eyes, and a dead brain.
so there's not reason to fret over what everyone else expects.
because it really doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else.
as long as it is, to you.

i promise i'd catch all the shreds of your friction.
paint them up like murals for the world.
sing the words your heart mouthed to me.
patch up the seams that bursts with strings of love.
do i can to make you see that there are better things in life.

live a little, laugh a little.
and maybe through the blood and the tears will you realize, that it's alright.
i used to harp on the fact that humans are shallow.
they still are, but i've chosen to live amongst the stars.
with other fellows cyborgs who have hearts.

maybe one day, someone will take you by the hand to show you.
but he's already shown me the best of life.
spring chicken and cheesecake.
horrible ballroom dancing with no shoes.
afternoon naps and books filled with notations.

he holds my hand like i'm a princess.
kisses my cheek softly like a feather.
whines when i try to pop his pimples.
shakes his head when i pretend to be a ballet dancer.

peanut butter: the lingering taste of his love.
and my heart is forever smeared.

- XOXO

stuck in a starless city

2009-05-04T19:23:00.004+08:00

i'm only what you want me to be.
no brighter than a table lamp.
or smarter than a dictionary.
even when my head is limited to the constrains of my heart.
at least, i don't betray myself to get something i don't really want.

real kids don't stress themselves out on a one day paper.
their names are alive in all the history books of our youth.
keep igniting your fuel, and burn out.
because for me, it's my choice to put out.

your head's empty as my pocket.
so i don't expect you to understand the words i say.
for you only drown yourself in the moment.
of music and laughter, living in dreams that aren't yours to hold.
and i really do pity you.

it really comforts me to know that a battle is still going on.
an uprising against the disdain nature of the world.
make them see what (he)art really means.
because all they ever want, is nothing we've got.

seriously girl, give it up.
you're never gonna win as long as i live.
because believers never die.

everything aside, i feel fine.
my future still lies in the palm of my sweaty hands.
sometimes, i think i'm losing grip.
but somehow, my body forces me to save me.

these few weeks, i've been stuck in a starless city.
held down by the dead weight of gravity.
but the brightest star in the solar system sleeps beside me.

his chest moves up and down.
and his mouth is slightly ajar.
his ribcage holds all the promises of the future.
and his lips hold the world i need to hear.

"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing but rejoices in the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things... So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love."

to me, there could not be a more beautiful verse in the bible.
and i guess it's true.

to the boy who smells like pineapples:
leave lies to the liars, and leave love for us.

- XOXO

we'll do it for the scars and stories

2009-04-20T20:20:00.002+08:00

i sit and wait in the corner of the world.
queen of passive, and i'm safe here.
at least, i thought i was until the chaos injected.
false presumption caused me to tumble.

brave, i wish i was as much as people think i am.
but the truth being i have no choice to be.
because no one else will be for me.
so i hold in my breaths, in perfect time.
hoping i will somehow breathe through today.

tipping the edge of the scale.
people gonna push you off, then pull you in, just to see you fall.
they call you names, like they know you.
when they've got nothing, not even a single clue.

pretend you're deep and pretend to sink.
i won't save you, nobody will.
move closer, starve for the acceptance.
your actions just sicken me, you're getting worse to worst.

it may seem like i'm judging, but it's far better than what you do.
you pretend you know me, like how you think you know the world.
huddled up in your princess-vain-fakeass world.
everything's about you, it has to be, right?

never thought you were such an arrogant prick.
eyes until fit to look at numbers and gimmicks.
fighting so hard to defend something you don't even want to know.

close references to the higher authority.
pushing yourself up the scale.
haha, it's funny, to see you be such a slug.
don't get chummy mummy on yourself darling.

despite my disgust for the world.
i have learnt many things these past few days.
and i am more than glad to know i'm not alone.
even though they're being stabbed in the backs.
even though they're hurting till they can hardly walk.
they don't just give up because it's easy to do so.
they cling onto their morals, and refuse to let go.

i may throw tantrums like a little child.
but i find safety and comfort in warm arms.
there, i find that i won't be judged.
that i am loved, that i am wanted.

i can't put into words how much i love you.
thank you for being the first to show me that i'm not in this protest alone.
when anyone hurts me, you're the first to be there to heal me.
although you say you can't take away the pain, you already do by saying so.

though i have yet to find my place on this earth, i'm not turning around.
unlike you, i will never hurt someone else on purpose this way.
i love myself enough to know i will never stoop to your level.

case closed.
there's always something that will give me hope.
and you can't take it away from me.
not now, not ever.
because i'm stronger than that, and i'm stronger than you.

- XOXO

who killed the prom queen?

2009-04-15T16:01:00.002+08:00

flash, flash, photography.
red carpet, arranged specially for you.
shaven legs and sparkling teeth.
you're just another plastic barbie.

rugged culture has long gone over expiry.
only used in the fermentation of people with spirit.
the rest are just genetically modified.
born to live, and live to die.

click, click, across the floor.
high heels in circulation.
skin friction's the in thing nowadays, they say.
but i say, the whole room's filled with nothing but elephants attempting ballet.

if you want to hear the truth.
here it is.

prom's no more than a place to train you for reality.
keep those cameras coming honey, and betray your own beliefs.
doesn't bother me, 'cause i'm gonna be blind to all i see.
'i'll miss you', hurled around like common disease.
i hate it, no less than i hate your sympathy.

cliques having their last sentimental moment.
the last scene of their project story.
awards are only for winners of this fakeass tragedy.
if this script called for liars, you'd be playing the lead.

i'm not begging for you to understand me.
just know that there's not only one way of thinking.
don't put all your wishes onto a paper boat and set it out to sea.
the waves are going to thrash it dead, you'll see.
denial's never spoken like this before.

there are not many people that differ from the gutless souls that exist today.
but my heart goes out to this girl.
an amazing girl, who has her own way.
she never sticks to the conventional, and she's an original.
and most of all, she makes me smile.

last but not least, i will thank the person i've always had.
for my whole life, i've always been hearing lies.
but he made me realize that i'm worth the truth.

if my life was recorded on tape.
i'd put myself on a plane and press fastforward.
skip all the way to the one that matters the most.
and it'd land right on the moment when he came into my life.

- XOXO

hushed tones of tragic discovery

2009-03-30T18:32:00.002+08:00

crisp is the wind that blows on my cheeks.
it hardly rains anymore, it only pours.
but no matter how the sea level rises above the land.
we cannot deny that this world's running dry.
running out of the very fuel we all lack.

i never used to think of consequence.
hold the pen between the loopholes of my fingers.
only to realize that my brain never thinks quite as fast as the mistakes of my fingers.
but what fingers are there to speak of, in rocket science?

streetlamps never seemed so lonesome.
water eyes never begged for love as much as this.
comfort hardly ever comes from a shower.
but soaking in a bathtub with a child's giggles.

i can't help but be angry.
at the world, but mostly at myself still.
there's not much use chasing a dream that's lighter than helium.
and there's not much use pushing away a blame that weighs a ton of agony.

shy of the end of our lives just as they have begun.
kiss every piece of grass.
press every little child's forehead to your lips.
but don't blink an eye.

count your blessings.
algebra and mathematics won't help you fool it's non-apparent statistics.
it doesn't change anything.

opinions, clashing like the sound of cymbals.
throwing profanity around the room, watching it reflex off the walls.
it's a scary atmosphere to breathe.
and nobody's listening.

i'm just a watcher.
sinking with the grace of soldiers, shot in the knees.
painful, it is.
to watch the things you knew, slither their way out to mars.
somewhere safer to live.

fridays, saturdays and sundays are my favorite days.
they are witch-doctor remedies to fragmented hearts.
glass splinters and headaches.
and there's only one reason possible for this.

he comes like an angel into my life.
with no halo on his head.
squandered maple syrup onto my pancakes.
because he's got a degree in making the worst day become 'not so bad'.
has the weirdest dreams of being cheated of diamonds on plantations.
because he's got a diploma in making the sun shine again.

there are words, that can be strung together.
to unlock the codes of my stubborn heart and keep melancholy at bay.
and he's the only one who knows how to say it right.

- XOXO

wish away on cotton-candied clouds

2009-03-01T21:45:00.002+08:00

count your lucky stars.
because they're the only ones shining for you tonight.
hit the lights out.
before lights out.

they made a religion of leaving me out.
deserted me and broke my heart.
now all that's left, is an empty shell.
one that's blue, and doesn't shine so well.

only got so much dreams you can crush.
only got so much you can put to shame.
i cry, sigh and die on the inside.

meek and mellow as i may seem.
i've put all my hopes on the casino table.
betting on nothing but you.

i love rainy days.
holding hands and walking through the carpal tunnel of love.
breathing the smell of warm blankets.
pulling hoods over heads.

i can only hold on so long when you're not beside me.
biting on my nails, praying for a calamity.
be gone, be gone.
hands off.

it's sugary sky for two.
and i've got no idea where we're headed.
down this winding road.
foggy and blur, cars swerving off the road.

could i look out into the crowd and think "you saved my life"?

- XOXO

poets of late fall

2009-02-23T18:45:00.004+08:00

fervent fever of a breathing world.
summer hair and blue birds in the air.
warm coffee and sweet calm cinnamon.
cold water brushing past my ankles.

rainbow veins, this is the future.
retrieve every pot of gold.
it's hello to every part of the globe.
traveling at the speed of light.
only to wind up in the same place, time after time.

conventional, and unoriginal.
designed for uniforms and not for individual creativity.
walking in the footsteps of another.
senseless stalking, with no hesitation.

the only way to keep yourself out of the fight.
is to hide.
for me, it's in the solitude of paper and words.
to watch everyone else pass the corner of my eye.

i'm waiting for life to begin all over again.
wake up to wash my eyes in the sunlight.
bathe in sea while it's pouring outside.
eat everything that smells nice, without a calorie counter.
think thoughts snuggled up close to nature.

i want to sing songs that remind me of the past.
play games that the nineties offered.
pick up old newspaper and pretend i was a baby genius.
do something worthwhile.

to everyone else.
it's always about struggling to keep your head above water.
always scraping through but never enjoying it to the fullest.

nobody sees things the way we do.
he's like ice cubes in my milk.
something to dilute the pain of the world.

i know that i can't do this alone.
but at least, you're holding my hand.

- XOXO

i kissed the planets goodbye

2009-02-19T18:34:00.003+08:00

woke up in a desert storm.
bending like a flower, away from the sun.
these days trickle past, like a moat around a castle.
circular and familiar, but confusing at the same time.

blinking back, the pupils of my eye.
shrink as they may, but not enough to hide from bites.
the teeth of reality come in various size.
sharper than a swift cut of a knife.

pinkies on the side gun.
too weak to handle anything and yet, so eager to pull on the trigger.
on our backs, we carry heavy burdens.
light as they seem, when dissolved in a smile.
but in solid state, the truth leaks out.

i want to testify for the lies and human crimes i have seen with my eyes.
to touch something far away, to stretch into the light.
a puree of fragmented souls, peelings from an onion life.
layer by layer, we're stripped bare to the core.
and left to die on the inside.

for every gasping breath you take.
remember that there's one who will breath his last.
to hold it forever, and stare goodbye into the stars.

- XOXO

heart can't talk, but if he could, he'd tell how much i love you

2009-02-12T20:15:00.007+08:00

the worst thing that ever happened to love: valentine's day.
and in no way better, hallmark in second place.
dangling from the stars, entrapment of love in a glass.
love's wasted away in a story ending with 'once upon a one night stand'.

it's no wonder love dodges and hides, from naked human eyes.
love doesn't need the paparazzi or the popularity.
or publicity stunts that include red roses that jump in price.
love never stays, it runs and fights.

want and love.
those two might seem a likely pair.
and yet, they are worlds apart.
want is an obsession with possessive nature.
unlike love, who is patient and kind.

love doesn't boast.
it does not see a need to stroll along the streets.
to show the world what it is.
because that just isn't what love is.

love takes everything in.
pain, heartache and melancholy.
but it gives everything away, just because it can.
care, concern and a helping hand.

love has retreated to little corners of the world.
hidden in dog-eared yellowed books.
in between the distance of an old couple.
through the telephone cord that connects two people across oceans.
in blankets, warm enough to shelter two people.
behind alleys, where children share their gray gruel.

love cannot be measured until the day it is lost.
and it grows more and more everyday.
it never gets sick and tired.
it fights till it dies.

and through it all, he's all i ever owe anything to.
he taught me life when all i saw was death.
he showed me love when all i knew was hate.
he loved me when all i could do was offer broken pieces of my heart.

"So you stole my world,
Now I'm just a phony,
Remembering the girl,
Leaves me down and lonely."

- XOXO

slipping from the arms of grace

2009-02-08T10:17:00.003+08:00

ink soaps through the paper.
faces holding grins for the photographer.
cameras flashing, momentary blindness.
but shot after shot, leaves them blind forever.

peering through the blinds.
i spot attempts to dig beyond the call of humanity.
shallow deepness, that's what i call it.
seeing only the surface of the issue.
but not the heart of it.

i try to find a good light.
that reminds me of childhood innocence.
one that's bright enough.
a light that won't fade out on me.

all around, there they are.
watching and waiting, quietly.
from then and there, no sounds will sing me to sleep.
no lullabies to stop my crying.
i can't sleep but i'm so tired, i'm so tired.

we try to squeeze our bodies into little tin boxes.
to fit all three of Dorothy's companions.
the heartless, the gutless and the brainless.
not knowing that we're already flawed to the brink.

love is not about a bouquet of crimson roses.
or a huge hallmark card, fully decorated with stickers.
it doesn't only come alive annually, on 14th February.
but instead, it starts breathing by the simplest of actions.

a mother staying up to wait for her children.
a dad rushing home after extra hours at the office.
a sister tucking in her younger sibling.
a brother teaching another how to ride a bicycle without falling.

the body of love awakens in the face of heartfelt actions.
ones that beg no return.
that contain no ulterior intentions.
and to say that 14th February is only day they celebrate love's true ability.
would be a grave mistake.

in days to come, i will see love at its best.
because of him, he who loves me unconditionally.

- XOXO

bruised and destined to lose doing this alone

2009-01-28T20:25:00.004+08:00

kiss away the cries in the city.
unfasten the belt that entangles worries.
wish away tears and fears with the wildest dreams.
shake a little to the left, and shake off the troubles.
dance in the rain, to wash away the pain.

nothing ever comes back the same way.
hurl it in one direction, only to see it return another way.
i sit in the shallow shyness of the land of a thousand words.
waiting for one true word to be spoken.

lights and sounds slide past me.
across the forest floor, they sweep like gentle leaves.
only in the howling of the moon, do they finally take shape.
and then, the specks start to clump together to form monsters in bed.

screaming from an innocent dream.
lost in the town of naivety.
a raven's trail, a death's closure.
autopsy on the unknown impending doom.

i keep all these thoughts away in a cage.
they are dangerous, and fatal on lonely days.
knees to my forehead, and eyes safe under lids.
these feelings hardly ever fade away.

but somehow, i feel safe.
under the contagious argument of a pair of warm arms.
and the undercover of the green blankets that we share.
he assures me that my heart will never beat a lonesome song.

never would i have feared walking alone.
but now, my feet can't stand upright without blisters on my toes.
he holds me up, and even wants to walk in my shoes.
only that i know that it's too selfish for a shellfish to allow him to do so.

tell every sad girl that she was made to dance in dresses.
because it's true, she was meant to be beautiful.

- XOXO

stolen

2009-01-18T12:27:00.002+08:00

the echoes of the world fall silently on my skin.
whispering, "kiss her kiss her".
i was so sure nothing could touch me.
not enough to wake me up from this nightmare of a dream.

two worlds apart.
i was left to wander in mine.
you were lost in your own, and half drowned.
sometimes, we're so far away.

she grips the car keys, tight in her hands.
they graze her hand, and cause her to bleed.
but she doesn't care.
she continues walking.

"i don't want to end up like your piece of writing."
after all the lies, maybe he was finally telling the truth.
the necklace he gave suddenly weighed a thousand pounds around her neck.
she watches as her life break down to bits.
morbid curiosity, and unable to do anything.

"don't you regret this."
but how do you fix someone who doesn't admit he's not working?
you can't help someone who doesn't need fixing.

that day, seemed like every other Saturday.
with the rain beating steadily on the windows.
for the last time, she looked closely at the boy.
the boy she thought she knew.
and that was the Saturday he left.
with nothing but a lousy excuse.

holding her breath, and the pieces together.
she still smiles, sings and sleeps.
blistered and bruised, but still surviving well.

maybe someday in the future.
she will meet an amazing boy.
beautiful, new and unexplored.
he will kiss her on the forehead and hold her hand in public.
know that her favorite color is green.
and that she hates pink.
he will love her more than anyone ever did.

all the words she never said, pen to the paper.
her heart's still beating, solemnly against her ribcage.

- XOXO

suddenly, this all makes sense

2009-01-15T22:45:00.002+08:00

one day, i sat down with summer, winter, autumn and spring.
i watched as they danced along the hallways.
causing the mercury specks in my eyes to align with the sky.

'carefree' means, they don't give a shit.
true believes are old men sitting in bars.
drinking gin and tonic.
nobody cares about leaking eyes.
they think you're a devil, only because you've never seen heaven.
so bright, they want their future, they could go fucking blind.

why must i be a spade or a diamond, and never in between?
i just want to be a heart that's kept in your hand.
in dark rooms and corner alleys.
how many times must i sing for you to notice me?

i'm just glad you realize love still exists.
maybe it's old and needs a little bit of dusting.
perhaps, i'm only happy with this realization.
perhaps, i was never happy to begin with.

the only way my heart won't burst.
is to love you by hour increments.
and thinking of the numbers will only remind me of the miles we're apart.

i'm pulling back all the love behind my eyelids.
just to wait for you to wake up.
it's funny how the world can only see my flaws.
while you only adore me more and more.

you're a remix of everything good in my life combined into one.
take all of them away, and let me hold you for one second.
three words: more than enough.

the only places i could ever love myself.
on the side of the pillow and in your arms.

- XOXO

a streetcar named love

2009-01-11T11:42:00.003+08:00

in a simple hello.
a kiss, or a hug.
grins to match mega-watt bulbs.
shivering through the railway.
slithering its way between your jeans and body.

it pounds from your center.
bruises easily when you don't cherish yourself.
the only thing that smiles when you can't do anything else.

when we surrender our broken hearts to the ones we love.
trading death for life again.
nothing cannot be forgiven.

hold lovers in bold and broken places.
the gaps between your fingers were made that way.
to be filled only by another hand.
and nothing else.

even in the darkest of times.
in the blindness of the world's eyes.
no matter how frail.
or how much it is ignored.

everyday, i will be challenged and questioned.
of this love i speak about.
one that never fades or goes away.

but everyday, he reminds me.
that love is always the answer to our hardest questions.

- XOXO

but like the flowers, bloom

2009-01-06T22:05:00.006+08:00

withered and tattered.
too flustered to search down deep into your soul.
for every step you take, for every move you make.
you are losing yourself to the choices you make.

nobody chooses to be upset with the world.
except for me.
it's only through this veil of sadness, that i find serenity.
nothing is ever what it seems to be.

i'm tired and choking on my own sweat.
rushing through the hours and textbooks, hardly making time for anything else.
can't read my favorite books or simply sit down with wild thoughts running in my head.
to be honest, it feels like i haven't got time to be myself.

the world speaks in one language.
and no, it's far from love.
some call it the root of all evil, and i'm in no place to beg to differ.
authority, and the salary that goes along with it.

they say knowledge is power.
but what's the use of it when all you do, is use it to put down others?
after all, that's all lugging your head with facts will ever get you.
down in the dumps.
but empty pockets and heads never stopped anyone.
only empty hearts.

lately, i've been thinking about responsibility.
sometimes, adults still treat us like kids.
so how do we exactly know whether to act like i can climb a tree?
or keep my feet on the ground, where you all want it to be?

call me irresponsible.
but i don't mind.
i wanna run till my feet down touch the ground.
until i feel like i'm part of the sand i walk on.
or the tree i'm swinging from.

there's someone i really miss at this point of time.
i could be standing in a place with a million people.
but without him, i still feel alone.
he makes my heart a safe place to sleep.
and his smile is the safest place i know.

even through everything now, and everything i've ever been through.
he keeps me smiling.

- XOXO

song for her

2009-01-03T17:03:00.003+08:00

she rocks her chair from side the side.
peering out of the window occasionally.
from the back of the classroom, she stares apathetically at the white board.
people chatter on while she's lost in her thoughts.

her eyes focus on everywhere but the blank piece of paper on her table.
she pauses, and waits.
sitting silently in the comfort of melancholy.
hoping that recognition of differences won't kill her.

she looks to her old friend.
the one who used to smile and wave to her.
should she smile or should she tear?
it's funny how people change so drastically in the face of popularity.

her feet swing under her seat.
who would have guessed, that things will never be the same?
'i'm sorry' hardly ever comes easy.
and the teacher mumbles something about the near future.

she picks up her pen, ready to jot down some random notes.
but with each stroke, her heart sank lower.
the world's too caught up in notions of wealth and honor.

the clock ticks slowly.
and she anticipates the end of lesson.
some fresh air and space from the real world.

i don't know what's been happening to me.
so alienated and frustrated.
like waltzing in white dresses in a cemetery.
or a surgeon that can't cut himself open to save his own life.
my thoughts have plunged deeper into the black hole.
with no alpha, or omega(lomania).

there's no way i feel safe outside my home.
my heart has been shoved into the corner.
never can i use the right words on the right people.
the rest of my body feels the same way.
i can't pick up the pen without feeling more depressed than ever.

sometimes, i really wish i didn't think so much.
it hurts to think, and it hurts to know more than literal words.
even if i throw a fit, get mad at the world, nothing matters.
all they look at are the digits in your bank book.

they say what's going between us is outdated and old.
but i'd like to think of it as vintage.
once upon a time, i gave up on love.
because it was all over the gossip mags.
they know the best way to steal your good days away.

but now, the way i love him is like how astronauts describe distance planets.
even as professionals, they don't know how to describe it exactly.
his love makes me feel electric.
like, i was never alive.

if love is a weakness, then, you'd be my sweetest downfall.

- XOXO

play ring around the ambulance

2009-01-01T12:50:00.003+08:00

i'm far from a lucky sucker.
sometimes, i don't try.
and yet, i try too hard.
all these fights, they settle down like dreams in jam jars.

life is moving on way too fast.
you can't freeze time and even stop for a second glance.
living in the fast lane and racing through the city.
hopping off the express train won't be an option in your mind.

check yes, clockwork and routine.
factory made robots, rice bowls empty from the rising in the pricing.
don't fall back in line, and don't fall back in time.

which came first, the music or the misery?
just when you find an antidote, they're just gonna sell you over.
don't spend time trying to make something one in a gazillion.
because millions of them are gonna start popping out on the radio.

to you.
deep down inside, i really hope you know what you're doing.
it's not about me, or the selfishness of preventing you from change.
the things that we used to do, or we used to think were cool.
now, they mean nothing to you.

maybe i'm the only one who feels this way about you.
you'll always be that closet poet boy.
who lives on muffins and goes high before bedtime.
but i don't know who you are anymore.
i miss you, dear friend.
please come home soon, we'll wait for you.

lately, i wish i could hold my breath and die on the inside.
or thrash logic in a fist fight.
something along those lines.
maybe you think i'm insane, or out of my mind.
the truth is, i just don't wanna live for reason or rhyme.

when i think, "i don't care".
it's literally impossible.
with the reflex of tongue and tide.
the possibility of the promise of tomorrow just isn't exactly bright.

every time i can remember, i will pray for a special someone.
who makes me forget everything except love.
everyday with him, i believe more and more that God speaks in love.
and is revealed in our love.

i hope that one day, i will have the courage.
to love you as much as i want to.
good night.

- XOXO

cupid is fat, slow, and always missing targets

2008-12-29T11:45:00.008+08:00

senseless chatter and a dozen kisses.
they claim love's among the roses.
when the storm's yet to settle in.
everything flows, smooth as silk.

kicking a fuss, screaming lungs out.
bolts on the door and nails screwed between hinges.
caged up birds and souls left abandoned.
even alcohol can't numb their senses.

fighting to live up to an image.
chaining arms and drawn on smiles for the crowds.
always lovey dovey for the camera.
but it's a new tale behind the blinds of the window.

every era creates new troubles for love.
driving it into the corner of extinction.
when people think you're nuts.
you'll finally crack under the pressure.

spell-bounded by the four letter word.
chasing it till your feet hurt.
only to realize that it hits you when you don't wanna find.
like a glass door, that makes you yelp in anger.

hung on a fence.
and strings attached.
scaling the side walls to reach the balcony.
only to be thrown back into the pool.

sometimes, stupid is just another word for brave.
if you have to run away from the city with a heavy heart.
just make sure you're running to a better life.

but i don't wanna be the same.
i don't want love to run dry.
or a time for us to say goodbye.

they say, it's better to have loved and lost.
but the cuts and bruises are more than most can handle.
so it's safer to say that, it's better to have never loved at all.

i'm pretty optimistic for a pessimist.
but i know that i love him.
and truth be told, i should be the one he's scared to hold.
my heart is screeching to a slow.

with a trolley from the super-mart.
he bought my empty life.

- XOXO

innocent

2008-12-25T12:22:00.003+08:00

Day one: Hello mummy. I know you don't know me yet, but I love you already.

Day ten: I blinked today mummy! I hope you'll be proud of me when I grow up.

Day thirty: Mummy, who is that man? Is he daddy? Why does he seem so angry?

Day sixty: That doctor man, isn't very nice. Why does he use that word? Abortion, what does it mean?

Day hundred twenty: Ow mummy, why did the doctor man stick a needle in here? It hurt.

Heaven: I miss you mummy. But I will wait for you and watch you from up here. I love you.

like ipods, hearts are being played all over the world

2008-12-19T17:21:00.012+08:00

people never really change, do they?
the impulse of being one's former self is overwhelming.
on the surface, a storm may be brewing.
table's set, and the cards shift their loyalty.
but the kid who slit her wrists, she still exists.

never give your heart to a tin man.
he's going to run away with it, to emerald city.
and just when you think he's your prince charming.
the knight in shining armor, might just an aluminum foil being.

every girl just wants a guy who will honor her morals.
who will make her smile when she's at her lowest.
who will hold her while she bawls her eyes out.
who cares for her, more than the mistakes she makes.
and loves her, simply for being her.

i'm not entirely sure if i should be thankful.
for my stupidity, and everything i've done to disappoint.
and for the times i felt nobody ever understood me.
or for the boy that utterly destroyed me.

eyes close.
memories flood the banks.
repulsed and shocked by the pain.
sometimes, i just wish my nervous system would shut down.

for now, i choose to see everything negative about you.
my heart's hardened, with no space for you ever again.
i'm sorry if i'm not being fair to you.
but ask yourself, were you ever fair to me?

you'll be fine, i know you don't need me.
even if i never appear in your life again.
never will i make excuses for you again.
because, you have to understand that i can't afford to fall again.
and from now till eternity, i promise you that you mean nothing to me.

thank you.
for leaving me in lurch.
for throwing me out of your life.
for hurting me more than anyone else.
for being yourself, your fucked up selfish self.
i've seen through you.

my confidence was robbed from me.
i thought i'd never touch the stars, or function normally.
but i'm starting to believe again, in this silly boy who loves me.
sometimes, i'm scared to death at the thought of falling again.
taking baby steps, and stumbling a bit.

to my favorite boy in all of the world.
you mean everything to me.

- XOXO

automatic loveletter

2008-12-18T16:25:00.003+08:00

A message from an angel.

Wammy Bammy

2008-12-17T11:37:00.004+08:00

"True love is when you can't sleep, because your reality is better than your dreams."
- Dr Seuss

you don't need to try to be perfect.
when i trip, you can laugh at me.
but pull me to my feet.
when you throw me into the pool, you can lend me your hand.
but i'll drag you down with me.
take me to an arcade and thrash me in air hockey.
make me watch football with hours beside you.
but half the time i'll be watching you instead of the goals.
and through it all, love me.

oh, and one last thing.
you're already perfect.

- XOXO

on the brink of something beautiful

2008-12-13T22:14:00.005+08:00

full to the brim.
rancid, reckless, out of steam.
counting days by the stock investments.
plummeting down, and never on the rebound.

sometimes, it's not all that easy to give up.
especially for mathematicians and philosophers.
calculate the funds needed for a funeral.
and dying suddenly seems more of a burden.

every time someone thinks they got me all figured out.
i don't know whether i should laugh or cry.
they hold their heads too high.
pride's always on the line.

when you least expect something to go right.
in the rarest of times, they do turn on pretty fine.
if you hold onto something with all your might, nobody can take it away from you.
possibly because you're much stronger them.
or simply because they know they're not fit to.

none of my body parts ever agree with each other.
but the war's mostly between my heart and my head.
it just can't decide where to put the blame.
sometimes, i wish i could take everything back.

there's a reason for us in trust.
but then, look again.
there's also us in lust.
everyone's just out to deceive each other in the end.

for the trophy boys and the trophy wives.
i hope you're happy being what you are.
and never ever stop for one second, to reminisce an old friend.
because when you do, you'll start to miss everything.

i know i'm always talking about this crazy kid.
but i feel that, he's another oddity to this gravity.
he just warms my heart inside out.
and sometimes, it feels perfect being alive.

he wants to make you sing love songs out loud to the radio.
or scream like you've never had a voice.
do something just, exceptionally exception.
but not for the world's eyes.

you'd probably love this kid.
but hopefully never as much as i do.

- XOXO

my brain's a b-side to the world

2008-12-12T12:12:00.004+08:00

i have a time capsule hidden in my cupboard.
books, letters, post-its and stickers.
some with pictures, with pretty colors.
others in black and white, or messy illegible scribbles.

people are always worrying about how they will be forgotten.
fighting to carve their initials on Hollywood stones.
or making a Guinness World Record.
something bizarre, and out of the ordinary.

they probably forgot the meaning of the word 'extraordinary'.
if everyone would kill for it.
then i guess, it's not that special anymore.

deep down inside, i'm just a kid - trying to find my place in the world.
i used to wish upon stars and things like that.
that i'd be like everyone else, and i wouldn't feel so lonesome.
in the later years of my youth, i realized that i can't fit with the pieces.
hardly among humans, with their vicious hearts in gear.

i wanted to change the world.
perhaps find a cure for getting older.
or invent a miracle pill.
but like the latter, my talents aren't fit for this world.

things are slowly progressing.
and i miss so many little things.
people, movies, candy and the tears.
they're hardly there anymore, it's never the same.

sometimes, i wish i could freeze time.
just so that the things i love will always be.
they wouldn't run away, or turn moldy and be thrown away.
i miss my old records, and my old clothes.

i wish i could go to church and sing hymns again.
or wake up to the sweet smell of cookies and butter.
i want to run my old neighborhood, all the way to the library.
maybe stop over at the provision shop to get some gummi worms.

not very long ago, this kid came into my life.
he hardly talks sometimes, but sometimes he talks quite a bit about the things he loves.
sometimes he calls me a boy, and makes himself seem like a girl.
he copyrighted comparing humans to chicken nuggets.
and laughing with capital letters.
most of the time, he sees himself working alone in a chem lab.
or doing something really insane and weird.
i don't know, he's pretty out of his mind.

but this kid, he's pretty awesome.
he makes me laugh when i feel really down.
and tells me that one day, i will be loved.
most of the time, he's pretty wonderful but i won't admit it to his face.
probably because his ego will swell to the gates of heaven.

he kinda reminds me of everything i miss.
everything that happened before this whole episode.
and above all, he loves me for who i am.

- XOXO

my teen angst has a body count, and it doesn't look promising

2008-12-10T15:40:00.006+08:00

when you think too much.
it scares people.
when you think too little.
you scare yourself.

deep inside, i just want a reason to leave this world behind.
pull out of the cash of the bank.
i just don't know how anyone can tolerate this world.
almost everything depresses the living shit out of me.

everyone says 'hate' is a strong word.
but fuck that.
i simply abhor human beings, humane as the are.
rotting to their gutless bones.
stinking all their way up to heaven.

they all say they have an inferiority complex.
like hell, they do.
the truth is, they're all out to make people feel inferior.
it drives me fucking nuts.

sometimes i just want to crush my own skull.
it's hard to realize how shallow people are.
especially when they study how humans work.
they work ways into your heart.
take you like a lab rat for one of their stupid experiments.
fucking screw you the wrong side, just to watch you struggle.

fuck, i'm crazy.
but i don't even care if i am anymore.
everywhere i go, everything i do.
someone's bound to piss me up, drive me up the damn wall.

i used to spew vulgarities every few seconds.
but i've pretty much been under a leash for the past few years.
seriously, i have no clue how she does it.
or even the slightest idea.

my head must have been more screwed up than i thought.
if i could have trusted her with my thoughts.
i would love to say i'm jealous of her.
makes me sound more sane than i appear to most people.
but then again, there's nothing much to be envious of.

she's pretty much like everyone else.
fucking phony and one hell of a damn actress.
it's amazing how she manages to taint everything i love.
into some shitfaced bull that the world loves.

if you ask me, i'd probably kill myself if i were her.
living a fraud and being the top of the charts on a daily basis.
working her way to ward off enemies by their names.
what a grand way of living.

and if it's the way she can start a fucking trend.
then hell no, i'm going to be a freaking nerd.
for the rest of my damn life if i freaking like.
i could care less about her and her mindless skanks.
it just makes me really sick to the gut.
knowing that guys love this sort of trash.

before you know it, she'll be headed straight for the gutter.

- XOXO

i was never bulletproof

2008-12-06T23:11:00.003+08:00

water rushes against my thighs.
building up towards a high tide.
it's amazing the way these words fit in time.
or how this heart beats to the rhythm of life.

this world still revolves no with care.
bent on driving eternity into extinction.
behind every perfection, there's another defect.
uncover the lies, and find yourself buried deep in a mine.

turn the volume all the way up.
desperate for the attention and the bite.
hurl sanity out of mind.
fake beauty for the sake of the situation.

static tingles in my ears.
sneezes choke up my system.
headaches screaming from my head.
humanity right on my nerves.

but you keep me sedated.
frozen in the moment.
hanging onto my heart in case it leaps.
over hurdles and then, curdles.

whatever the matter.
or the time of the year.
you will be in my heart.
safe and sealed.

more than ever now.
i believe God loves me more than i expected him to.
and that's because of you.

- XOXO

in love, and in death

2008-12-03T13:08:00.009+08:00

pressing the keys on the piano.
decomposing notions of a better tomorrow.
closed windows and splitting wounds.
glasses of empty dreams.
enough to tip the scale.

in a world of billions.
your voice is the only one i hear.
more beautiful than a pipe organ.
or an orchestra of truth.

slipped off an isolated road.
way pass curfew.
lost in a payphone.
with a few broken bones.
and just when i thought all was lost.
your hands found mine.

they tied me to chains.
left me in lurch.
crying in shame and pain.
drowning in self-hate.
but you saved me.

you picked me up from the ground.
never gave up on me even though i was half beaten to the ground.
showed me truth, when they showered me with lies.
made me believe in myself, when nobody else would.

to me, you are the sea.
on the outside, it looks like a vast abyss.
but when you dive in deep, only then will you witness its true beauty.
sparkling colors that twirl in beats.
a center for life and love to begin.

what you mean to me.
can never be measured by mass or degree.
because it goes way beyond adversity.
supernova and calamity.

don't fall away from me.
i'll do all i can for you.

note: a little treat.

- XOXO

beautiful stranger

2008-12-01T00:14:00.004+08:00

insecure for the cure.
read me like an open book.
a fish out of water.
pretty much, awkward.

just a strange little creature.
with too many thoughts.
running at hundred miles an hour.
dribbling its way through the narrow burrows.

pepper on paper-thin lips.
the drugs begin to peak.
champagne and wine.
alcoholic dreams.

to be entirely honest.
i don't quite understand how chemicals bond.
or the right amount of chlorine that you need.
or the temperature that you thaw.

held onto you so i could stand up.
gripped you tight to me, so i wouldn't breakdown.
ripped out my heart, in exchange for some of your time.
and eventually, giving you the power to turn my insides out.

the feeling you have inside.
might be the purest kind of love.
or just a replica of an impulse.
reckless and wreck-less.

if i fall, just once more.
my legs will snap.
too tired to fight back.
left to mourn in my bed.

you're all my reason to get up in the morning.
i hold onto your words like a writer holds paper.
maybe i never told you this before.
sometimes, people fall in love because one feels like they can save the other.
but whatever it is, you're already my hero.

i've never met anyone like you.
who can send electric shocks to me just with words alone.
that makes me want to bounce and run into walls.
drives me crazy and gives me warmth.

some people say home is a place.
some people say home is familiarity.
but to me, home is with you.
being everything me.

nothing to hide.
nothing to pretend.
no lies, only love.

made for the fridge and not the toaster.
for the shoe racks and not the display cabinets.
bled for the sorrows and not a shot at the title of a beauty queen.
for the pain and not for a faster pace in the race against time.

she whispers something in his ear.
the message is unclear.
but she promises that nothing will ever hurt her.

i didn't expect myself to say this.
but, i love you.
and i'm scared to know the truth.

- XOXO

40 ways to freak your friends out

2008-11-25T14:01:00.003+08:00

1. Moo when they say your name

2. Pretend to have amnesia and tell them they look like someone you know

3. Run into walls

4. Pretend to beat yourself up

5. Have spasms every few seconds

6. Pluck out their hair and yell, "DNA!"

7. Snort loudly when you're laughing

8. Say everything at least thrice

9. Convince them that wearing clothes is against your morals

10. Sing at the top of your lungs while jumping on the bed in your underwear

11. Wear your underwear on your head and tell them you're making a fashion statement

12. Take their ice-cream cone and stick it to your forehead, then declare that you're a unicorn

13. Pretend to have multiple personalities

14. Flip through the TV channels and start screaming when you see Teletubbies

15. Put laxatives in their food

16. Steal their stuff and sell them on eBay

17. Pretend you're 824238479742384239847239847298347 years old

18. Try to swim in the air

19. Beat on your chest and grow black fur all over your body

20. Randomly yell in public, "NO, I WILL NOT MAKE OUT WITH YOU!"

21. Phone them at 4 in the morning and yell, "GOOD MORNING, BEAUTIFUL!"

22. When eating KFC, always do the funky chicken dance before you consume it

23. Try stabbing yourself with a toothpick until it snaps

24. Snorkel in the fish tank

25. Say "that's hot!" after everything they say

26. Shoot rubber bands at their head

27. Superglue your finger up your nose

28. Pretend to be invisible for the whole day

29. Buy a Barney soundtrack and blast it in public

30. Throw a fit when they won't let you ride the pony outside the supermarket

31. Hand them missing people fliers of yourself

32. Give random old people their numbers

33. Throw your underwear at their faces and tell them it looks good on their faces

34. Huddle up in a corner of your room and cry because aliens tried to rape you

35. Yell 'banana' randomly throughout the day

36. Hold their hand and look into their eyes and whisper, "I see dead people..."

37. Try to climb the wall

38. Act like you're deaf when they talk to you

39. Pretend to be a telephone operator every time they call you

40. Be yourself

and so typically

2008-11-21T17:17:00.004+08:00

running like protected royalty.
only because the blades of grass will never hurt us.
the sky looks bonny and bruised at this hour.
like my wrists, because this gripping pain isn't gonna let me lo(o)se.

hopes so high - gravity can't weigh it down.
desperation is the word of the century.
trying to keep my mind of your (f)acts.
my eyes hurt too much to open them.

skip the part where i come in.
nobody thought me more than a second's waste.
lips cracking with my less of guts to admit anything to do with you.
i can take the heatwaves, but not hits and waves.

my heart's under your command and your knife.
fall in love like how you fake it.
put in a little more (c)hips and tips.
if i ever live any closer to you, i'll be in your shadow.

the worst secret-keeper.
or the best fashion disaster.
i wonder how many more sleeping pills it takes to keep your conscience silent.

- XOXO

your tears leave more than just marks on my pillow

2008-11-20T17:47:00.004+08:00

months to build defenses.
seconds to crumble and fall apart.
you come like an earthquake.
and rip my city alive.

bruised and broken on the inside.
shaken from your words.
tearing me down, tile by tile.
they slice like your Swiss knife.

switch on your electrical appliances.
i'm no remote control.
my recall button's faulty.
and my forgot's in mode.

my memories pass like dreams.
light and distant.
if you owe me anything, it's more than just a 'sorry'.
you seem so sure that i'm the one at fault.

you're one of a kind.
no other kind of hurt will hurt me like you do.
more than a scorpion's sting.
and more than just a stab in the back.
so much i've pretty much lost my sanity.

there was a time.
when i wished i could stop time.
play around with the grandfather's clock.
so i'd never ever have to be without you.

i have so much to say.
and yet when i see your name pop up on the phone.
all my bravery is directed to my sole.

- XOXO

easy on the stereo, hard on the ears

2008-11-19T15:36:00.002+08:00

my inner world mirrors secondhand vinyl.
a heartache in my head.
parched on paperchase and coppertails.

emotion stuck at the cork of the bottle.
ease stress on the press.
enigmatic and magnetic to the scene.
looking up from down on their knees.

twitching enough to show anxiety.
shifting eyes from side to side.
swaying hips and kissing lips.
body language of the 21st century.

tears don't flow from my eyes.
but from my hands to the paper.
these words, they croon.
blue-eyed and towards the moon.

bend but don't break.
safe in my own skin.
cured from my inability to express hurt.
me at my most.

i need to be brave.
not only for me, but for you.
live through one pain after another.
and you'll be invincible.
a brand new sort of hero.

make your comeback.
but don't come back.
because you're already gone to me.

- XOXO

bigger than we are

2008-11-16T18:51:00.007+08:00

concrete dreams built on bricks.
mine on writer's blocks and twigs.
to keep your head above the water level.
your heart is bound to the city you're born in.

bleeding hearts on pallets.
crimson to the bone marrow.
throw five out the window.
just to make space for the ten that follow.

memories in the red room.
hang them up like criminals waiting for the noose.
the radio keeps playing our favorite song.
but that seemed centuries ago.

blow out your candles.
and wish for the ability to forget everything.
screeching of the brakes.
headlights and a loud crash.

you made me forget me.
for once, i smiled without feeling silly.
but now that you're not here with me.
i forget how happiness should be.

my hands are trembling.
with the lack of love and you.
reliving failure through and through.
because nothing comes close.

i wish i could call you with a payphone.
just to hear your voice.
even if it's for a few seconds.
but i know all i'll get to hear is dialing tone.

in the trees.
or the breeze.
with every fiber of my body.
i still feel you with everything i do.

the world's running dry.
not of water.
but of people like you.

- XOXO

London callin'

2008-11-15T21:06:00.004+08:00

jet lagged and safe.
thousands of miles from winter.
and the orange-red leaves.

silence loud.
but not making a sound.
footsteps on the flight of stairs.
crunching sounds from under the feet.

greenery's royal flush.
carpet grass and cold air.
hail and droplets from the sky.
man-made reality and nature hurled into one.

apart from the bizarre nightlife.
tones of oatmeal are easy to bore.
every junction's the same old game.

brushing past the city lights.
racing and running for the next train.
waltzing with the tick of the clock.
and time's not all that you've lost.

you speak too loud to hear anyone else.
refusing to excuse flaws other than your own.
hyped up for blame, when it's all pushed away from you.
reasoning isn't something used with people like you.

when someone speaks for the truth, it isn't 'arguing'.
but you're too consumed with your own doom.
'shut up' is your favorite phrase of the season.
it doesn't disturb me that you fail your vocab.
but more of the fact that nobody's talking, except you.

just because you know more literal facts about literature.
doesn't make you deeper than the black hole.
but guess what.
if you ever dared to think you were close.
you're hells and heavens away from moving me from my throne.

- XOXO

whisper something fragile

2008-11-07T11:34:00.006+08:00

pin-up paper rockstars.
souvenirs and songs from every coast.
but singing will never get you far.
especially when you don't believe the words.

i've suffered rips and tears.
from every thug and alley.
unlike you.
worshiped like a queen in the big city.
so don't try to even understand me.

sleeping with eternity.
in the blink of the darkest dreams.
on my knees and giving up hope.
because that's all you've ever done for me.

do you know what it's like to be mocked by a crowd of familiar faces?
beaten to the ground by strangers?
how my world's always raining when all i wanted was a bit of sunlight?
or the fact that the one i love will never come home?

your smile's a magnet for boys.
but i don't blame them.
after all, you don't know what's good for you or them.
doesn't matter to me anyway, because i'm not like that.

i trusted you to be at least a little different.
no, you're just a replica.
but i expected better excuses than self defense.
and ignorance.

scientists are no different from you.
they're chasing after my dna for lab tests.
performing your closed heart surgeries.
to find something that deserves a Nobel.

it's not my fault i run away from doctors.
and people who think i'm crazy, just like you.
in my medical cert, i've probably had a million cancers.
and a billion more coming up.

you never get it, do you?
me, i'm just the promise hero, of no tomorrow.
but every word you say pulls the pin.
my seams are falling apart, and so am i.

all you've ever done for me: make me feel more alone.
go ahead, and hurt me like everyone else did.
i've lost my novelty, as a confectionery item.
bitter and ugly, i'm just me.

i tried, really.
to be everything you thought i was.
tired of running after the expectations you made for me.
can't have normal dreams, because i'm not exactly what you'd call normal.

you might think it's abrupt and absurd.
that i'm ranting these words that might seem nothing to you.
but think about everything that has ever happened.
and maybe you'll finally understand a little of my world.

the truth, your world revolves around you.
and i believe it will continue to do so.
but i won't say it like it's a bad thing.
it's what everyone else is doing.

in English, you'd understand these words.
but with me, it's never so simple.
you claim to know what i'm saying.
in my heart, i know you don't.

so go ahead and boast.
about your linguistic abilities.
and how you can put me down with them so easily.
mark my words, like how a teacher would.

i'm sick and angry of whatever bullshit you throw at me.
i'm not your damn toy or something you can fool.
you're the saint, and i'm just another word for martyrdom.
you're everything i'm not, but i don't know whether to thank God for that or not.

thanks for reminding me of what i'm supposed to do.
for half my life, i've been running away from people like you.
and i find no reason to stop for you.

note: i'm going to try and be a happy kid in England until the 15th.

- XOXO

like the summer rain to wash away the winter stain

2008-11-04T13:57:00.007+08:00

the warm smell of wood.
yellow pages from books.
a serenade to the moon.
roasting marshmallows over a fire.

waking up early mornings with blurry eyes.
all i'm left with are rusty knives to cut you out of my life.
both options still leave me defenseless.
just like the moonlight outside your bedroom, i'll never reach you.

when i'm alone, i can hear my heart beating.
it used to beat for you, only that you stabbed it too.
nothing humane could survive something so brutal.
but it does, to remind me that it beats alone.

i fall in love with starry skies and blueberry pies.
simply anything that contains memories of you.
never knowing why i keep them deep inside my soul.
but here's me wishing that it's the best way for you.

hang on for dear life.
plunge the knife a little deeper.
pull the trigger a little quicker.
end the pain like you really mean it.

hard to get, but easy to forget.
the last person who cared about me stopped living.
and every bit of me just faded away.
into the darkness of the night.

give me a love i'm good enough for.
take away this pain, and give me something to live for.
don't tell me to pretend this never happened.
because it's still real in my head.

buy me home, and love me right.
my expiry date: a little longer forever, dependent on owner.

note: i'd like to make a special shoutout to my cyborg buddy.
thanks for making me feel that being a cyborg's pretty okay.

- XOXO

love is not a war

2008-06-14T22:28:00.008+08:00

love would never bury itself in the hatchets.
of nothing but memories of an ex-girlfriend or a cup of cocoa.
love never carries any bullets to reload its gun.
because it has none to begin with.
love would never wear a bullet-proof vest.
or wake up early in the morning for foot drills or physicals.

love would never endure bootcamp.
or hold a pistol in any of his hands.
love would never pull the trigger to anyone's head.
or stab someone's back.
love would never hide in the seal of a letter.
it would scream from miles away.

love would never drive you up a wall.
or lock you up in the casket.
love would never torture the enemy.
or hang someone's neck.

but love would certainly yawn into the early mornings.
cuddled up in the warmth of lovers' sheets.
love would blow kisses like bubbles.
and leave smiles on the side of your cheek.
the only weapons love carry are bandaids for papercuts.
and laughs to humor bad jokes.

love is free.
love has its own style.
love can prick your backbone with flying kisses.
love can tickle you till you laugh.
love can be written in words.

like a telegram from far away that goes,
"dear XOXO,
i know i am not worthy of your love,
not worthy of you,
as i am nothing,
and have nothing to offer you,
but even so,
i just wanted you to know,
that i love you.

i would duct-tape all the holes in your heart,
to make you whole again,
i would wrap you in my arms in the middle of the night,
and watch you while you're sleeping.

i do not know why i am saying this,
or why the sudden courage to confess,
but what i do know is that i will regret,
for the rest of my life,
if i didn't let you know what you mean to me."

then love ends the note.
always, with silly pet-names.
like sugar-pie, honey-sweetie.
because love's just like that.

that kind of love that curls its body around your legs.
in the middle of the night or day.
instead of ammunition, or arms race.
the sound of traffic outside the window.
and the breathing of love, heavy in your ears.

that's why, love is not a war.
and will never be.

- XOXO